SENDING OUT AN S.O.S.

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone in being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I'll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S...
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A consequence of my recent heartache:

I will no longer entertain the thought that there is or could be a God.

God does not exist.
At least not for me, in my mind.

I’ve been told my whole life that God loves me and Jesus loves me and if I’m good and I pray real hard all the time, I’ll lead a happy life. I’ll be rewarded with everlasting life when I die because I’ve suffered on earth and when I sin Jesus takes away my sins because he suffered for me…

…blah…blah…blah…

I’d like to know why I have to wait to be happy. I’d like to know why this can’t be heaven on earth down here. I’d like to know why I had my happiness ripped away from me- my hope for something more than I could ever have imagined- and why I’m back to square one (sometimes even less than that). I’d like to know why I was let down.

"God works in mysterious ways. "

I CALL BULLSHIT.

If there was a God and God loved me as much as everyone says God does, this would not have happened. I would not have been teased with something so great that it permeated every inch of my soul.

SUCH F***ING BULLSHIT


I have always questioned whether there was a god because I couldn't see god or feel god or understand god. My parents said god existed whether I could see god or not but I was skeptical. Whenever I went to church, god was represented as a ray of light or just really big feet in sandals or even a very old man with a long white beard and bushy eyebrows and I was very skeptical. I never heard the voice of god, never saw angels, or Jesus, or the easter bunny, or santa and I was really skeptical. I couldn't understand why I was praying to something that never spoke directly to me or gave me some sort of indication that it was there and it thought of me and believed in me and loved me. I don't have time for such games. Show yourself to me or prepare to be pushed aside.

I toyed with the idea of declaring my atheism because I'd not been given a reason to believe otherwise. I didn't think there was anything out there, or deep in here (tapping head) that was bigger than myself and more powerful than I could imagine. So it was a little surprising to me when in the last month, I came to believe in the Universe. She's managed to make her presence in my life very clear.

And man is She an apathetic Bitch!


No one ever told me of the power that the Universe holds. Sure I heard about galaxies forming and the ‘big bang’ and the millions of years and billions of miles of space we’ve got left to explore. But at no time did anyone ever suggest that the Universe was powerful enough to grant wishes. The Universe is listening all the time and although She isn’t waiting by the phone for our prayers, She does have one hand cupped to one ear at all times to hear the wishes that we shout from rooftops, announce to our friends, or whisper when we think no one else is listening.

And She’ll grant those wishes when She can tell that’s what we really want.

I couldn’t figure out why I had to endure these latest events of my life. The purpose for this pain was a consuming thought of mine for several weeks. I needed a damn answer. I needed someone to answer for this. I. WANTED. TO. KNOW. WHY. And the answer struck me recently when I was engrossed in some unrelated daily activity that I was using to dampen my pain.

I asked for this.

No really, I did. I remember the time and place and circumstances when it happened. She was doing her own thing, gardening and tending to some unfinished weeding I believe, and I approached her asking for one thing in my life and I had to say it out loud because I really wanted it- rilly, rilly badly.

(passion)

That was what I asked for. And I got exactly what I asked for, in spades. My whole life is now passion- the all consuming, can’t eat right, can’t sleep right, can’t think right kind of passion that can drive you to the brink of insanity and back. Unstable does not being to describe my mental state some days. I can’t think. I only feel. And every single cell in my body feels like it's on fire with passion. Love, Hate, Desire, Yearning, Contempt, Hope, Despair… it all exists in one throbbing package deep inside that threatens to consume my heart and my head with every passing second. And I thought I would enjoy passion. I didn't realize it wasn't going to give me what I really wanted.

And the Universe isn’t happy or sad for me.

She just looks back at me with this glassy stare and throws up Her hands, “Well, this is what you asked for. You got exactly what you wanted, sweet cheeks. Nothing more and nothing less.” And with that She turns away from me, flicking Her wrist to signal the conversation is over, and goes back to weeding Her garden leaving me to slink humbly away.

It doesn’t make everything better to know why. But it helps in some small way to know that I brought this on myself. The Universe isn’t against me. She isn’t exactly in my corner either. She doesn’t care one way or the other. She just gives me what I want and doesn’t have anything vested in the outcome (unlike a god that supposedly loves me and cares for my wellbeing).

I read my horoscope now and then (for entertainment purposes only, of course). Sometimes the message is gibberish, sometimes it's cryptic, and other times it's just dead on in a spooky way (then again, like a lot of things in this world, it's all about the interpretation). Recently, I read my horoscope on my birthday and while the horoscope itself was interesting, I found the following passage after it to be quite relevant to recent events:

SACRED ADVERTISEMENT
If I ever produce a self-help manual called The Reverse Psychology of Getting Everything You Want, it will discuss the following paradoxes:

a. People are more willing to accommodate your longings if you’re not greedy or grasping.
b. A good way to achieve your desires is to cultivate the feeling that you’ve already achieved them.
c. Whatever you’re longing for has been changed by your pursuit of it. It’s not the same as it was when you felt the first pangs of desire. In order to make it yours, then, you will have to modify your ideas about it.
d. Be careful what you wish for because if your wish does materialize it will require you to change in ways you didn’t foresee.

Review your own life and identify experiences that exemplify these four principles.

Now that I know this and I've figured out the game I'm tempted to send out another request, another S.O.S. into the great abyss. But I have to be cautious and entertain the notion that I will get what I want but I'd better be prepared to handle the outcome. Without much thought, I could ask for (love) but I know damn well that I'm too broken to appreciate the kind of love I want. And I'm not going to get the love I really want anyways.

So instead I'm asking for ----> CONTROL.

I want control in my life and over my life. I want to feel like I can approach each day levelheaded and on top of most, if not every sphere that I spend time in. I want to have control over my thoughts, my actions, my work environment, school, home, etc. I just want to feel like I am capable and organized. I want this life to be less work than it has been up to this point. And I want control over this damn passion that plagues me.

So there. I hope that the Universe gives me what I want with as few strings attached as possible. Even though She's indifferent to me, I still feel like the Universe owes me big time and I'm not being greedy by asking for a little help here. I don't want to have to sacrifice something good for something else. I don't want to have to choose an unknown prize behind one of the doors and end up with a lifetime supply of canned soup or a pet goat. I just want to be happy and have some control. I hope I don’t screw up the gift this time. I need this something to work in my favor for once. It can't make up for my loss but it can help me deal with what's in store for me.