Untitled

© 2006 Punkin Dunkin Productions

This past Saturday was a really bad day. I took two naps because I was so depressed. I didn't want to do anything except sit in bed and cry. I was lonely, angry, and suicidal. I lay in bed around 4 pm and watched the blinds sway in the window with the gentle summer wind. It was a sunny day and I should have been overjoyed for a lot of things: my family, my friends, my health, time to relax, my boyfriend, my cats, my roof over my head... but I couldn't seem to focus on any of those things.

So I looked at the blinds rocking back and forth and from no where, my internal voice said:

"If you are there, you need to help me. I feel like I'm at a new low today. If you really exist, you will help me. I need it. I need a sign. I need you to do something to show me that you are real and you are listening."

Yes, I was talking to someone whose existence I've been denying for a long time. I'm not saying I've suddenly had a change of heart or anything. I was just very desperate.

Needless to say, no sign appeared right then and there. I was disappointed to say the least. So I got up out of bed and tried to get through the rest of the day.

But some things have happened in the last few days:

1. I spent some time with my boyfriend, some quality time that we were really lacking, and while we were watching the fireworks last night I came to the realization that he is the man I am going to marry. He's it. He's what I've been looking for. He's not perfect, he's not the knight on the horse. In his own words, he's "just a man, that's all." But he's mine. And while our differences seem great at times (he's freakishly tidy, I have a tendency to be freakishly messy; his political views keep me foaming at the mouth; we're from slightly different worlds; he's overly confident, I'm overly paranoid and full of residual self hatred) I think there is a whole lot of love and passion between us & that's what's important.

2. My financial issues are starting to not look so bleak. The financial aid is set to kick in here shortly and it should be a nice chunk of change to put towards bills and savings. My mother is generously helping me to turn things around and I am so grateful to her for her help through all of this.

3. I put in a request for more hours at work and not only did I get that but I also received an opportunity to reenter the insurance program as well. Originally, I was just asking for more hours but now things are so good that I can get insurance once again starting this week, if I'd like.

4. School is going well. I earned a 98 on my first exam- a very acceptable math score (even if it's only easy math).

5. I am seeing a therapist every week who is starting to direct me towards better habits and relaxation techniques.

6. I have just over 3 car payments remaining on my loan.

7. My boyfriend has repeated his offer to have me move in with him in November when my lease is up. I'm not 100% I'll do it- I don't want to just do it for financial reasons. I'd prefer to be engaged so that I know it's a permanent thing. But he's willing to help me move, no matter where I decide to go, and he's willing to let me store stuff at his house.

8. I'm thinking a little more clearly these last couple of days than I have in a while.

So now I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about my afternoon in bed and what I'm supposed to make of it. Are things turning around because I asked for help or are they turning around because my string of bad luck is over and it’s statistically improbable for my life to continue to suck? Does this mean I’m supposed to now believe? If I don’t, do I incur some sort of angry retribution? Am I being greedy by asking for an unmistakable sign, proof of some kind that I should believe? What happens if I never get that or I don’t interpret something “correctly”?

It struck me yesterday as I was driving home that if I could have just one wish in regards to religion, it would be that I could throw out all of the cultural and historical influences surrounding the notion of a savior and a creator and I could just find spirituality in a pure form- no rules, no right or wrong, no hell or damnation, no one telling me what to believe, no white beard and sandals interpretations- no religion to screw it up for me. And I wonder if that is truly possible? Can I ignore the voices of everyone around me and everyone who has come before me and can I create meaning, comfort, love and spirituality out of something unknown and undefined? Is that even possible?