A Thousand Years Ago

I logged into a site today that I use on a regular basis. When I gave my password, I realized that it was today's date only with a different year. I know why I chose that password; it was a day I assumed was going to make a significant difference in my life.

But I never imagined what that difference would eventually turn out to be.

Two years ago on this day, I called up an ex-boyfriend. I had not spoken to him in almost 3 years at that point. I called him because I wanted to stay in touch. I called him because I wanted to know what had happened to him since we stopped speaking to one another. I called him because I was just beginning to realize all the nasty things that I did to him when we dated. I broke his heart. No, I didn't just break it. I smashed its little ventricles in, beating it to a bloody and unrecognizable pulp. I was an awful girlfriend to him. I didn't fully grasp how mean and self-centered I was until I fell for him all over again two years ago, only to have him turn around and treat me like dirt. And I deserved it. I deserved everything he could throw at me and more. It was my karma, my destiny to wake up in a fevered sweat night after night drowning in my own guilt over what had happened between us.

I thought this day was going to make a difference in my life because I was going to be forgiven.

But he didn’t forgive me. Not one little bit.

And that has made the biggest impact of all.

I needed to have someone not forgive me for my behavior. I needed to lose the possibility of even a friendship with him because I had to learn how to treat others with respect and dignity. I needed to learn the Golden Rule in a significant way where I wouldn’t forget too soon after about my pain and the pain I inflict on others.

This day has made a monumental difference for me. And I hope to never forget it.