Tell Me Why Again?
(There haven’t been a whole lot of photographs or any meaty updates. I’ve found myself putting out fires that burn in the relationship every few days and I’m just emotionally exhausted)
So anyone who has spoken to me in the last three months knows that since starting to date Mr. Big, I have had some very rocky moments. Some of these moments have to do with my depression (which is improving btw) but some of these moments have to do with Mr. Big’s and my clashing of personalities and our failures of communication (yes, I have other choice words for these episodes but since everyone visits here, I will spare you from the more hateful speech).
The last couple of therapy meetings I have had have centered on fights that happen in my relationship. Everything else is moving along slow and mostly smooth. I am working on a lot of issues- learning to keep my house clean, my stress level low, my sanity intact, etc.. But the one area where I feel like I am constantly failing is in my relationship with Mr. Big. The therapist says that it’s interesting sometimes when we choose the people we chose and why we do so. She asks me if I think there is a reason for picking him at this point in my life. She points out all the things that I’ve had to face since our first date:
It all adds up to some heavy stuff. And so often I am overwhelmed and tired by the drama that pops up around every corner. I can’t seem to get through and get to some honest and sincere communication. I told my therapist that I feel like he is the rock and I am the jello and even though I am trying to change and evolve myself, I can’t do that when I constantly feel like I’m being squished and crushed under the weight that he exerts. It’s extremely frustrating and it leaves me crying myself to sleep, pulling my hair out, and alternatively laughing like a madman at the sheer insanity of it all.
I am in no way blameless. Not even close. Anyone who has ever lived with me or spent some serious time around me knows how nutty I can be. I hate being wrong and even more so I hate admitting it. I can be childish and play the “If you don’t know what’s wrong then I’m not going to tell you game” along with the best (or in this case, worst) of them. I can pout pretty well and get my way when I really want it. Not only did I go through the terrible two’s but they spilled over into the threes, ten’s, fifteen’s and I suspect next year will be known as the “terrible thirty’s” as well. ;)
Mr. Big and I seem to be in a power struggle. We both want to be right. We both want the other to give in to us. We both turn a little childish when we don’t get what we want. Take today for instance. He wanted me to leave a key for him to come over and check the net in the afternoon and I was going to do it if I got to spend time with him. He didn’t respond to my request and I ended up going into work without dropping off the key. He got mad, I got madder at him and it escalated from there. He tells me he’ll never ever ask me for another favor and that he can’t depend on me. I tell him now he knows how I feel when he won’t set up dates with me or clue me into his plans. He tells me over and over that he won’t ask me again for anything else and I feel worse and worse as the texting conversation continues. But I took my therapist’s advice and decided not to get completely caught up in the fight. I told him that he was making me feel bad and I needed time off from being made to feel like the bad guy for not completing one request. I’ve stopped responding to his texts and I’m just going to breathe deep and go back to what I was doing.
But tell me again, why do I continue to love someone who can make it so difficult to be lovable? When things are good between us, man oh man are they spectacular. But when things are bad, they are absolutely horrid. I just can’t take the extremes. I don’t want to live in extremes. They give me ulcers and headaches and they leave me emotionally drained. I can’t figure out why I continue to go back time and time again. I’m not normally a person who considers herself unworthy enough to put up with abuse of any kind. So why do I feel so bruised here, and more importantly, why have I not said enough is enough?
I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. And I’m having a hard time finding the answer.
So anyone who has spoken to me in the last three months knows that since starting to date Mr. Big, I have had some very rocky moments. Some of these moments have to do with my depression (which is improving btw) but some of these moments have to do with Mr. Big’s and my clashing of personalities and our failures of communication (yes, I have other choice words for these episodes but since everyone visits here, I will spare you from the more hateful speech).
The last couple of therapy meetings I have had have centered on fights that happen in my relationship. Everything else is moving along slow and mostly smooth. I am working on a lot of issues- learning to keep my house clean, my stress level low, my sanity intact, etc.. But the one area where I feel like I am constantly failing is in my relationship with Mr. Big. The therapist says that it’s interesting sometimes when we choose the people we chose and why we do so. She asks me if I think there is a reason for picking him at this point in my life. She points out all the things that I’ve had to face since our first date:
-the fact that a “catch” on campus would ask someone like me out and what that says about me or what that may say about him
-my body issues (although this is something that comes up with every relationship)
-speaking up for myself and learning to be assertive when the person I am relating to doesn’t know how to yield to me- EVER.
-communication issues (utilizing those blasted “I” statements and trying not to place blame when that’s really what I want to do in the first place)
-dealing with childish behavior that is unwarranted and sometimes unrelenting
-learning to recognize my own behaviors and trying to change the negative responses that I have
-trying to find the middle ground instead of demanding to always be validated for being right
-assessing my needs appropriately and asking for what I want or need
-trying to be an influence of change rather than demanding it
It all adds up to some heavy stuff. And so often I am overwhelmed and tired by the drama that pops up around every corner. I can’t seem to get through and get to some honest and sincere communication. I told my therapist that I feel like he is the rock and I am the jello and even though I am trying to change and evolve myself, I can’t do that when I constantly feel like I’m being squished and crushed under the weight that he exerts. It’s extremely frustrating and it leaves me crying myself to sleep, pulling my hair out, and alternatively laughing like a madman at the sheer insanity of it all.
I am in no way blameless. Not even close. Anyone who has ever lived with me or spent some serious time around me knows how nutty I can be. I hate being wrong and even more so I hate admitting it. I can be childish and play the “If you don’t know what’s wrong then I’m not going to tell you game” along with the best (or in this case, worst) of them. I can pout pretty well and get my way when I really want it. Not only did I go through the terrible two’s but they spilled over into the threes, ten’s, fifteen’s and I suspect next year will be known as the “terrible thirty’s” as well. ;)
Mr. Big and I seem to be in a power struggle. We both want to be right. We both want the other to give in to us. We both turn a little childish when we don’t get what we want. Take today for instance. He wanted me to leave a key for him to come over and check the net in the afternoon and I was going to do it if I got to spend time with him. He didn’t respond to my request and I ended up going into work without dropping off the key. He got mad, I got madder at him and it escalated from there. He tells me he’ll never ever ask me for another favor and that he can’t depend on me. I tell him now he knows how I feel when he won’t set up dates with me or clue me into his plans. He tells me over and over that he won’t ask me again for anything else and I feel worse and worse as the texting conversation continues. But I took my therapist’s advice and decided not to get completely caught up in the fight. I told him that he was making me feel bad and I needed time off from being made to feel like the bad guy for not completing one request. I’ve stopped responding to his texts and I’m just going to breathe deep and go back to what I was doing.
But tell me again, why do I continue to love someone who can make it so difficult to be lovable? When things are good between us, man oh man are they spectacular. But when things are bad, they are absolutely horrid. I just can’t take the extremes. I don’t want to live in extremes. They give me ulcers and headaches and they leave me emotionally drained. I can’t figure out why I continue to go back time and time again. I’m not normally a person who considers herself unworthy enough to put up with abuse of any kind. So why do I feel so bruised here, and more importantly, why have I not said enough is enough?
I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. And I’m having a hard time finding the answer.
posted by punkindunkin at 6:29 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home