A Boy Named Sue

© 2007 Punkin Dunkin Productions


Here he is, the internet guy.

And here's what I like:
1. He doesn't let me get away with anything. He calls me out on my insecurities and self deprecating comments every time.
2. He smiles all the time when he's around me. I've been warned that he isn't a happy person in general and most of the time he scowls at things. But I'm one lucky girl not to have been the recipient of any scowling. I wouldn't let him get away with it anyway.
3. We have similar background issues that we bring to the relationship which makes it easier to understand one another and empathize.
4. He has a beautiful and strong body that I'm going to love photographing.
5. He thinks I have potential but he likes me for who I am right now. I feel the same about him.
6. He has a fantastic sense of humor and keeps me giggling a whole lot.
7. He's got issues and he readily admits them.
8. He's made me more responsible for my daily activities. The apartment has stayed cleaner now more than ever before. I'm cooking bacon and pancakes and baked chicken and cheesecake.... I didn't know I could even cook. He gives me more of a reason to put those wistful thoughts of self-discipline into action.
9. He makes me feel like a woman and he makes sure I know it.
10. He thinks I'm sexy and he's totally genuine about it too.
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I’ve been struggling with many things in my life. I over-think things to the point of exhaustion. I have this overwhelming need, a totally insatiable desire to UNDERSTAND myself and the world in which I exist. I want to know why I am the way I am and why I am changing so much. I think that obsessive round and round mindset is accurately documented on the blog. If you think it’s not pretty here, try living in my head. I’ve seen that end goal of inner quietness for some time. I’ve wanted to just… be. There doesn’t have to be any discussion, any fighting against or for things to work. I don’t want to be wrapped up in a straight jacket of personal thoughts that keep me far busier in life than I need to be.

I almost didn’t write anything here about BoyNamedSue. But I figured it would be nice for a visit from my future self who could always use a jog of her memory when it comes to these things.

I haven’t had to really think all that much in the last 3 weeks. The time we’ve spent together just flows naturally. There is very little second guessing. Here and there, we wonder why things are going so uncharacteristically smooth for us but then the moment passes and we go back to just existing. Usually laughter and a couple of sarcastic/pessimistic attitudes get us through. He puts me at complete ease. I don’t have to worry about whether he thinks my dinner making skills suck or not. Neither one of us really cares to have control over the tv remote (I watched the Masters this weekend and I am shocked by my total lack of disgust over witnessing that much golf). I don’t care where he lives and what kind of car he drives and I’m not worried that he’s going to hurt me in the end. There’s not any nervousness over discovering things about one another or letting each other into our personal lives.

The best part of all is that I’m not worried about the future. If it ends tonight, I’m fine with that. There won’t be any monumental heartbreak or begging and pleading. I’ll adjust accordingly and move on well enough. I’m in a place where I can accept my present circumstances and I’m learning to work with these things, not against them. I could claw my way through another relationship, finding angst through my unhealthy yearning to NOT BE ALONE, but I’m not seeing that as an outcome here. I think I'm coming to terms with my identity and acceptance of who I am versus what I am not or what I want to be. He makes me feel good about just being in the here and now.