Now Tell Me How You Really Feel

I’ve been searching through a ton of blogs about weight issues and weight loss (pun not actually intended). I wade through story after story about the evil donut that must die or the elliptical machine that saved someone’s life or the occasional abbreviated post about the weirdness that comes from inhabiting a changing body. There are also Fat positive blogs and body image blogs that stress an end to discrimination, some embarrassing and heartfelt stories of life as a Fatty, the daily barrage of hate that we must deflect from society, followed up by positive little blurbs that say things like “love the skin you’re in!”, and offer helpful comeback quips for the moronic comments made about our bodies in public. They’re all well and good but I find that I’m still yearning for something else. It seems that I have yet to find a really juicy blog that deals with the truly nitty-gritty psychological aspects of losing weight.

What I mean when I say psychological aspects is that I want to see the posts about the girl who loses more than 25% of her body weight and suddenly finds the prospect of socializing with skinny people as absolutely terrifying because she still doesn’t think she measures up.

Perhaps she’s afraid to order the cookie at the deli counter because the little blond server might look at her funny (even though she’s lost all that weight and hasn’t eaten a damn thing all day and the chocolate chip oatmeal cookies are her absolute favorite. Plus she just made it through another week juggling school and work and this is her just reward regardless of what tee-shirt size she’s wearing at the moment).

She still thinks of herself as grossly overweight (because, duh, the government tells her it’s so and why would she ever disagree with something they’d say?!?) and she can’t help but stare into every mirror that she passes by and glance at the remaining troublesome spots. Yesterday she caught a quick look at a reflection in the glass insert of a doorway and it took her several seconds to grasp the fact that it was actually her and not someone else (where did all those curves come from?!?!). This event happens with greater frequency as the fat melts away.

Sometimes she’s scared of the person she’s becoming- more narcissistic and concerned with coordinating fashion because she can fit into so many more articles of clothing than ever before (is she just wasting her time worrying about such inconsequential matters when much of the world lives without safe drinking water, daily risks of infection, starvation, lack of basic human rights, and the ever present danger of death? Hmm, but seriously- does that handbag really match those shoes or what….?).

Where are the posts that have the girl wondering if she’s made a mistake by losing weight? What happens when she loses enough weight to start to creep up on the radar of the male species and suddenly these men want to dance with her and want to kiss her and want to publicly acknowledge her attractiveness? Can she trust them? How can she learn to let herself trust skinny people at all? Wouldn’t it just be easier to put the weight back on than have to face what she fears- a brand new type of vulnerability in social situations and more chances for intimate connections?

I want to know how others struggle with the hidden psychological aspects of losing weight. What happens to our psyches when we change so completely that we are no longer recognizable on the inside (as well as the outside) as the people we used to be and the bodies we used to inhabit? Who stands up to those things that terrify them the most and doesn’t go back the way they came on the scale? Where are the posts that mark these struggles and give real life advice on how to get through them to reach our goals?

This girl could sure use them right about now.