A Sad Girl Seeking Some Advice
So first let me say that things have been looking up for me in the last couple of weeks. The financial and school pieces are doing better. My physical health is improving and my mental health is way better than just four weeks ago.
But there is one area that has not improved along with me. That would be the area of communication between Mr. Big and I. We have had a few disagreements over some minor and some major things since we started going out. I think a good portion had to do with my mental state and my insecurities surrounding him. I'll throw it out there (because everyone knows this anyways) that I should not have jumped into a relationship so soon after becoming so fragile and depressed from the dissolution of another potential relationship. I was (am?) very fragile. And if I had my wits about me, I would not have agreed to go out with Mr. Big for the sake of both our sanities. But we cannot erase what has happened.
I love Mr. Big very much and I can’t imagine my life without him. He gives me physical comfort, laughter, and excitement whenever we get together. There are times when I reel from the feeling that we get along really well and have so many things in common. But the problem that I have (that seems to be snowballing out of control as we speak) is our communication styles and the friction caused by the differences in each. Mr. Big is very rigid and unyielding when it comes to certain things. He can be down right pigheaded and not admit when he is upset or when he did something wrong. He makes me feel like I did something wrong when I’m sure I didn’t.
I’d like to think that I’ve improved a great deal on my stubborn nature. I try to remember how my mother was with my father time and time again and sometimes it helps to channel that when I feel like yelling and stalking off in a huff. But Mr. Big’s communication style is really putting me to the test! And I’m totally cracking under the pressure. In the last three weeks, the only thing I’ve cried about and found total frustration with is his lack of understanding and his uncompromising personality. He won’t communicate with me on a fair and open level. We have a lack of communication (usually about plans) and suddenly I am considered to be melodramatic about dinner being ruined because he didn’t show up on time or even at all. Regardless of the reasons why, I am still hurt whenever plans are broken or significantly changed. He doesn’t seem to think this is such a big deal and it hurts me.
Today, I left him a message telling him of some up and coming plans I was making. I had already suggested both of these things to him and he said he couldn’t do one and the other one he never gave me a clear answer to. I didn’t want to wait around for him and I didn’t want to nag him for an answer so I started making tentative plans.
He got very upset, left me a message where it was obvious that he was sulking, and sent me several text messages saying that he thought we’d be doing these things together (again, he didn’t give me clear answers to one and he said no to the other due to his schedule). I tried to smooth things over but I couldn’t get through to him by text so I took my break and text back that I was going to call him.
Not only did he not answer his phone, but he also hung up on me when I called several times in a row. He wouldn’t speak to me and it left me shaken and frustrated. I tried my best to be diplomatic and calm about the whole thing, used lots of “I” statements in my subsequent text messages, not blaming him or accusing him but trying to tell him that I love him, respect him and want for both of us to communicate honestly. His response was that he was taking a shower when I called (never mind that 30 seconds b4 he was texting me) and that I was suddenly being irrational and overreacting over the whole thing (usually when someone won’t speak to you and refuses your call, it makes you wonder what you’ve really done to deserve that kind of treatment).
I’ve come a long way in the way that I talk to my boyfriends. I used to pout and scream, hit and scratch whenever I was angry. I never dealt with the things that were really bothering me and I couldn’t discuss them in such a way that was calm. The last two relationships that I’ve had have taught me how to get closer to achieving that. Both men were very flexible, thoughtful and forgiving with me on many occasions. That has helped a great deal. I’m so grateful that both men graced my life with their personalities and taught me all that they did. I figured what I was learning would help me improve anything I would come up against in the future.
But when it comes to Mr. Big, I think I’m wrong.
I am trying very hard to talk about what is really bothering us. I am trying to be open with him. I am trying to be flexible and not get upset and do the girly thing where I pout when I think he doesn’t care about my feelings or he isn’t reading my mind (I know that men are not mind readers. It took me several years, but I eventually had that epiphany!). Now I am coming up against a man who turns thing around on a dime and accuses me of being ridiculous when I’m pretty sure that I’m not. I am dating someone who will not admit when he is wrong. If I try to point it out, it’s such an impossibility, that I must be the crazy one. I can’t get him to admit what’s really bothering him about our latest tiff. He chooses to ignore me and then say that he isn’t. He chooses to blow it out of proportion and then proceed to tell me that I am instead the one doing that. I feel like I cannot win.
And I told him my heart is breaking because communicating with him (on his level… I didn’t say that to him) is proving to be too difficult for me. I feel like I am a failure because all the things I’ve been taught up to this point about communicating effectively are simply not working. And I don’t know what else to do.
What does one do when this is happening?
Please don’t tell me to break up with him. I’d like to think that there is a solution here somewhere. He hasn’t done anything so incredible that I think we are over. I just need some help in figuring out how to get through to him and get him to start speaking to me on a level that doesn’t leave me so frustrated and deeply, deeply hurt.
But there is one area that has not improved along with me. That would be the area of communication between Mr. Big and I. We have had a few disagreements over some minor and some major things since we started going out. I think a good portion had to do with my mental state and my insecurities surrounding him. I'll throw it out there (because everyone knows this anyways) that I should not have jumped into a relationship so soon after becoming so fragile and depressed from the dissolution of another potential relationship. I was (am?) very fragile. And if I had my wits about me, I would not have agreed to go out with Mr. Big for the sake of both our sanities. But we cannot erase what has happened.
I love Mr. Big very much and I can’t imagine my life without him. He gives me physical comfort, laughter, and excitement whenever we get together. There are times when I reel from the feeling that we get along really well and have so many things in common. But the problem that I have (that seems to be snowballing out of control as we speak) is our communication styles and the friction caused by the differences in each. Mr. Big is very rigid and unyielding when it comes to certain things. He can be down right pigheaded and not admit when he is upset or when he did something wrong. He makes me feel like I did something wrong when I’m sure I didn’t.
Let me interject here a minute and say something to my mother- Yes I know he sounds a lot like me, and yes, a whole lot like Dad. His birthday is one day after Dad’s. And it’s so not funny, Ma! So quit laughing cause I know you are!! :)
I’d like to think that I’ve improved a great deal on my stubborn nature. I try to remember how my mother was with my father time and time again and sometimes it helps to channel that when I feel like yelling and stalking off in a huff. But Mr. Big’s communication style is really putting me to the test! And I’m totally cracking under the pressure. In the last three weeks, the only thing I’ve cried about and found total frustration with is his lack of understanding and his uncompromising personality. He won’t communicate with me on a fair and open level. We have a lack of communication (usually about plans) and suddenly I am considered to be melodramatic about dinner being ruined because he didn’t show up on time or even at all. Regardless of the reasons why, I am still hurt whenever plans are broken or significantly changed. He doesn’t seem to think this is such a big deal and it hurts me.
Today, I left him a message telling him of some up and coming plans I was making. I had already suggested both of these things to him and he said he couldn’t do one and the other one he never gave me a clear answer to. I didn’t want to wait around for him and I didn’t want to nag him for an answer so I started making tentative plans.
He got very upset, left me a message where it was obvious that he was sulking, and sent me several text messages saying that he thought we’d be doing these things together (again, he didn’t give me clear answers to one and he said no to the other due to his schedule). I tried to smooth things over but I couldn’t get through to him by text so I took my break and text back that I was going to call him.
Not only did he not answer his phone, but he also hung up on me when I called several times in a row. He wouldn’t speak to me and it left me shaken and frustrated. I tried my best to be diplomatic and calm about the whole thing, used lots of “I” statements in my subsequent text messages, not blaming him or accusing him but trying to tell him that I love him, respect him and want for both of us to communicate honestly. His response was that he was taking a shower when I called (never mind that 30 seconds b4 he was texting me) and that I was suddenly being irrational and overreacting over the whole thing (usually when someone won’t speak to you and refuses your call, it makes you wonder what you’ve really done to deserve that kind of treatment).
I’ve come a long way in the way that I talk to my boyfriends. I used to pout and scream, hit and scratch whenever I was angry. I never dealt with the things that were really bothering me and I couldn’t discuss them in such a way that was calm. The last two relationships that I’ve had have taught me how to get closer to achieving that. Both men were very flexible, thoughtful and forgiving with me on many occasions. That has helped a great deal. I’m so grateful that both men graced my life with their personalities and taught me all that they did. I figured what I was learning would help me improve anything I would come up against in the future.
But when it comes to Mr. Big, I think I’m wrong.
I am trying very hard to talk about what is really bothering us. I am trying to be open with him. I am trying to be flexible and not get upset and do the girly thing where I pout when I think he doesn’t care about my feelings or he isn’t reading my mind (I know that men are not mind readers. It took me several years, but I eventually had that epiphany!). Now I am coming up against a man who turns thing around on a dime and accuses me of being ridiculous when I’m pretty sure that I’m not. I am dating someone who will not admit when he is wrong. If I try to point it out, it’s such an impossibility, that I must be the crazy one. I can’t get him to admit what’s really bothering him about our latest tiff. He chooses to ignore me and then say that he isn’t. He chooses to blow it out of proportion and then proceed to tell me that I am instead the one doing that. I feel like I cannot win.
And I told him my heart is breaking because communicating with him (on his level… I didn’t say that to him) is proving to be too difficult for me. I feel like I am a failure because all the things I’ve been taught up to this point about communicating effectively are simply not working. And I don’t know what else to do.
What does one do when this is happening?
Please don’t tell me to break up with him. I’d like to think that there is a solution here somewhere. He hasn’t done anything so incredible that I think we are over. I just need some help in figuring out how to get through to him and get him to start speaking to me on a level that doesn’t leave me so frustrated and deeply, deeply hurt.
posted by punkindunkin at 6:50 PM
2 Comments:
Put simply, your guy needs to grow up and you need to stop accommodating his behaviour.
If you've told him about an event/plan/dinner/whatever, then you've done your part.
It's not up to you to chase after him, change your schedule to meet his, or wait for an answer.
If you have dinner plans and he's unable(or unwilling) to make them, then call another friend to come eat the leftovers.
He waits till the last minute to buy concert tickets? Go with someone else.
Don't be at his beck and call, and don't structure your life around it.
Now, it's possible that he's genuinely forgetful (though, unlikely given your description of his behaviour. Most forgetful folk are apologetic), in which case you just have to learn to remind him when appropriate.
However, sulking and being obstinate are not signs of a mature individual.
Either he is unaware of his attitude, in which case you can hope he grows out of it, or he is doing it deliberately, which is twisted behaviour and unlikely to lead to a good end.
-ajb
I agree that he is just being a flake and immature. I wouldn't suggest a break-up, but you could probably both benefit by taking a break from each other for a couple of weeks. It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Maybe some time away from you would make him think about what he has done and realize that he is in the wrong.
I once had a great boyfriend that I thought I would marry (we were 95% perfect for each other), but he couldn't stop standing me up, canceling plans at the last minute and just being generally inconsiderate and unappologetic.
Looking back, I think had I just taken some time away from him to let him grow up, we probably would have found a way back to each other. But at the time, I voiced my issues with his lack of communication and inconsiderate attitude, and I was a total nag. This drove him away and only left me more frustrated.
Stay positive and good luck!
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