Lowered Expectations Lead to Unexpected Elation

I took the plunge and met someone from Match.com for a date. It's certainly um, an interesting experience. So I'm trying to figure this one out. I know, I know... I can't just let it be. It's just that I find it hard to believe that after a week and a half of entering the world of online dating, I have this hot guy emailing me and then asking to meet for a drink. I assumed he'd take one look at me and hightail it out of the cafe. Then I assumed that he felt like having lunch with me because he didn't want to waste his afternoon by coming downtown for no reason. I thought he'd think of some asinine reason to leave (I had my own on standby for sure). But he didn't.

You can probably see where this is going.

So the hour is up and we don't really know what to do with ourselves. Apparently neither one of us had thought this thru. Essentially the one hour drink I had all planned out in my head (full of awkward pauses, sweaty palms and stammering responses about the weather) instead turned into an 8 hour date. I wasn't sure if I should call it a date but with 8 hours logged in, how can I not? We had lunch and then a walk with lots of talking, and then ice cream, then a lot of talking followed up by even more talking, and finally ending with a movie that I really couldn't recap here because it was too hard to pay attention to.

Hello! Hot guy sitting Right.Next.To.Me! And he's reaching for my hand to hold! Who gives a flippty-flip what's on the screen! Show me static for all I care!

The end of the night comes and he asks if he can call me again. "Sure!" I'm enthusiastic after such an unexpected day. But come bedtime I'm thinking to myself, "Isn't that the number one complaint from single women? That men say they'll call and they don't? Haven't I heard this on 'Sex and the City' a thousand times before??" So I'm psyching myself up for the possibility that he doesn't call for several days or if ever again.

My expectations are just way too low.

Low and behold, he calls me Sunday and offers to take me out to get errands (he knows about the car situation and I think he breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't turn my nose up at his early model Subaru wagon. I thought it was cute. And I'm too old to care about the kind of car that someone drives. It doesn't cross my mind as a prerequisite for a potential date). But I had just returned home after the ex was kind enough to take me to the store.


But he called!
And it was the very next day!!!
I was so taken back that I forgot to get really gussied up.
No shit, he called!!!!!!!



My expectations must have hit rock bottom. Is this what my 30’s will be like if I stay single?

We had a nice evening together on Sunday too. But I'm leery because I am the eternal pessimist and this last year has only added fuel to that particular fire. How can the first one out of the gate be this good? So this is what cautiously optimistic feels like- it's a brand new feeling to me. I'm happy that things got off to such a great start but I know that I need to remember the mistakes I've made in the past (the thought that he just wants to get into my pants because I appear pathetic [in my warped mind] did occur to me. But then I had to remind myself that guys are guys and they don’t want to just get into the pants of the desperate ones, they want to get into as many pairs as possible. Being pretty or confident doesn’t necessarily make a difference). Most importantly, if he never calls again or things end icky or just never go anywhere… well, I'm gonna be just fine. I've got a busy life that needs my attention. I can do fine with or without someone right now. I prefer with, but I'm strong enough to handle either.


The other really cool thing is that this guy has a degree in psychology. He's also got my number and he's got it good (as in he’s pegged me pretty damn well for only having known me 36 hours). He told me I was extremely sexy which only makes me want to howl with laughter. But he called me out on it when I asked him what was so gosh darn sexy about me. Physical traits and clothes aside, he mentioned the way that I carry myself and the confidence that shines through.

"You know deep down how sexy you are. You just don't want to admit it."

And he's sooooo right. I know exactly what I am and I don't want to admit it. Because admitting it makes me sound arrogant. But more so, it makes me finally face what everyone is telling me is the truth. Close the case already, why don’cha? Now it's time to move on and be finished with the transforming part. I'm a damn butterfly or phoenix or swan; just need to pick one. It doesn't matter. I am this and it's okay to say so. My clothes say it, my giggle says it, my walk says it, and my personality says it. To deny it otherwise is just plain stupid. It’s time to strip the remaining torn and tattered pieces of the insecurity blanket off and just run free. Run free and enjoy every damn minute because I deserve it.

A Life in Bloom: Expectations and Experiments in External Beauty

I am the proverbial ugly duckling. There’s no uncertainty about it these days. I’m nearing the end of the story in terms of my physical transformation. The result of my efforts has not gone unnoticed- by anyone around me. I had several men turning around more than once to look at me while I was at dinner last Saturday. I’m experiencing this phenomenon in many social situations pretty much every day now. I catch some glances with a cool face and others I notice in my peripheral vision but don’t acknowledge. I was at the receiving end of a very chilly once-over by a woman who must have considered me competition (at least, that’s the catty look that I’ve seen other women giving each other when they feel threatened). It’s weird to be stared at. It’s even weirder to admit that it may not be due to a negative appearance or personality that I displayed for many years.

I’m used to being stared at or ignored (which would seem more merciful but is far from it), having doors shut in my face because the guy ahead of me didn’t think to hold it open for me. I’m used to snickering and condescending looks, pity for my size and perceived slovenly appearance. It was all that I knew. I didn’t realize how differently people are treated based on their appearance. It’s a “duh” realization; you always hear about the impact that appearances have on dating, jobs, raises, just about ANYTHING imaginable. But until you cross that line in either direction and experience it first hand, only then does the reality fully sink in.

I realize that I feel more vulnerable nowadays than I ever did when I was obese. The vulnerability factor has multiplied exponentially over the last year. I find that to be an odd and certainly unexpected consequence of the weight loss. Losing weight, working on becoming healthy, paying attention to one’s appearance- it’s all about finding control and balance in life. It’s a powerful statement of self love and self worth. But it’s not an easy transition.

I am not able to just go from a place of worthlessness to one of complete confidence. I question the motives of strangers (i.e. men) who are nice to me. I am leery of men who want to date me. Me? Are you kidding? Am I being punked or what? Call me pretty and I think you’re a total liar. I have no other lens thru which to view my world. It is the lens of a former fat girl who still remembers her old life. The fat is no longer there (most of it anyway) but I can still feel it under my skin. I have broken through that self-imposed protective barrier that sheltered me from heavy doses of dating disasters, inappropriate sexual comments made in public (this time they mean what they say, as opposed to before when it was one big joke on one big girl), embarrassing stares- albeit cute when done respectfully, fashion & makeup flubs, as well as the glaring spotlight. As a girl who lived life on the fringes and found comfort in all that she knew to be true there, I can tell you that the spotlight is a scary, scary place for me.

My world has been turned upside down and inside out (and I want to stress that although this post is about the negative and scary aspects, there are many, many good things about my new physical self and the personality blooming because of it). The sky is no longer blue and in my world, that means I am no longer considered ugly. I have stepped into a brand new role and I haven't a clue as to what to do with myself sometimes. The closest and most appropriate analogy I can think of is that of a young teenage girl discovering the world of women through experimental hits and misses. I am 13 going on 30. I’ve had to learn all that a young girl would over several years. I have to make up for lost time and do it pretty quickly.

The particular type of woman that I am gravitating towards is fashion conscious (or obsessed for those who consider such things trivial), on the verge of being considered a shoe whore, considers makeup to be a positive enhancement to her appearance, and goes for the clothes that hug the curves. I make no apologies for my choices. I want to look attractive and I think I do through my wardrobe choices. I idolized the girls on ‘Sex and the City’ and I always wished I could feel “normal” (but we should already know that “normal” does not exist except in magazines like Architectural Digest, movies with double d starlets, and twisted ideals spouted from the lips of deluded cable news anchors and their guests). I feel like a woman for the first time in my life and I’ve had to face the repercussions from choosing to accentuate what I am.

One place that I have to experiment in is the world of dating. I’ve had boyfriends for 11 years now and yet… it’s a whole new ballgame since putting myself OUT THERE. I haven’t had much luck in the last year and my insecurities surrounding my new life certainly play into that. I took the plunge and looked at profiles of singles on a popular dating website this week as a sort of joke/dare. Having never taken to dating on the net, I wasn’t sure what I would encounter. Perhaps it was just the site I perused but I was a little shocked by the selection.

First off, let me insert a disclaimer here: I cannot spell without the help of a dictionary or the computer’s spell checker program. I never learned all the rules of grammar to the point of using them more correctly than say 75% of the time (I like using ‘and’ at the beginning of a sentence, I’m not always sure when to end a paragraph and start a new one). I use the spell check tool and electronic thesaurus religiously. I read my writing, and then reread it, usually following up with a final skimming before I hit submit. I’m overly self conscious about my inability to articulate my thoughts both on paper and in person.
That being said, I cannot believe what I am witnessing on this site. There seem to be more misspelled words than all of my childhood written spelling tests combined. This goes way, way beyond the commonly misspelled or misused words. And I seriously wish I was kidding or exaggerating here. Although I can decipher what’s being said, I get completely stuck on the grammar, lack of punctuation or full sentences, and general disregard for professionalism- which seems to delete the pool of eligible applicants rather quickly. Do these guys realize how idiotic their profiles look to the general public? Did they take more than 2 minutes to think about what they were saying and how it might come across to someone of the opposite sex? It signals a couple of things to me: A disregard for self respect first off, a lack of respect for any potential dates they are trying to attract, a quick judgment on their education level, followed by thoughts of weighing their possible education level against actual level of laziness.

In addition to the possibly lazy or unskillful member profiles, there are so many rotten photographs used as profile pictures that I can’t help but wonder if it’s on purpose. I used this picture as my profile. It’s clear and crisp and not overly suggestive. I think it’s a good representation of me (I did add recent full length shots too- so there’s no mistaking my body type and no one will assume I’m a skinny minnie). On the site, I see pictures mostly taken with camera phones and webcams. Many are fuzzy, exceedingly blurry and surely not reflective of physical looks- unless you consider a Picasso painting to be a true representation of the human face. I’ve seen several where the face is in a complete shadow. Any hint of physical features, pleasant or otherwise, is just not possible. I don’t consider myself overly shallow but I’d be a total liar if I said looks don’t play a part in my dating criteria. They do- probably like 99% of the rest of the human race. However, I do have a different idea of what’s beautiful, usually that which goes partially against the American cultural norm these days.

I actually sent a short note to one guy thanking him for having a totally legible profile, proper picture and witty commentary. I don’t think these men realize that they completely cut themselves out of the competition- at least from respectable women. Then again, perhaps my standards are too high if I’m looking at spelling and grammar to be an indication of respectability. But when it’s pretty much all you have to go on, you’re going to judge it critically. At least you should if you’re serious about finding love. Part of me does speak up though and questions whether I should use that as criteria, at least to the degree to which I do, when weeding through the singles. People have judged me solely on looks all of my life- rather harshly, I might add. They couldn’t look past the initial impression to see anything valuable to them. I do wonder if I am doing the same thing now, but in reverse?

The experiment continues....

Surfacing

"People say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing- that's why we recommend it daily" -Zig Ziglar

Here is my daily inspiration. Or daily torture, depending on what I've eaten.

My best friend is getting married in July. I have 90 days until I must go in for a fitting and about a 150 until the big day. I am the maid of honor which means there is no possibility of standing to one side so as to "accidentally" slip outside of the camera lens. I have to stand right next to her. And I have to fit into that mummy wrapped looking dress while doing it! AHHHHHH.

So it got me off my butt and seriously motivated this weekend. I biked 18 miles around town and I was unstoppable. I knocked 10 minutes off my biking commute to work this morning. I'm doing crunches and I'm lifting my little weights. I weigh 183 but I'm going to start ignoring that figure and begin paying more attention to how my clothes fit. That's the true sign of success. I need some serious buffness to happen between now and July. I'm going sleeveless in front of a large audience... the only thing more terrifying than that would be public speaking. And yes, I'm well aware that I may have to do that too.

Geesh! Why are weddings full of this much hassle and anxiety? Does anyone have a happy day while attending one of these things?


Besides exercise, I found myself more motivated than I have been in a very long time. But I accepted my imperfect success rate over the weekend ("no, those magazines do not have to cataloged according to size and color" "no one is coming over for dinner so it's okay if the dishes sit a little longer" "dusting is optional right now"). I did get some bills out though, got the laundry caught up and at least contemplated cleaning out my bathroom of toiletries and sundries that I hoard there (I'm not why I have this overwhelming need to keep shampoo bottles and fragrance bottles when there's just a smidge of the product left over. Maybe it's the shiny packaging that implores me to stuff it under the sink rather than in the trash. Thank goodness I don't stay at too many hotels. Those little bottles of conditioner and tiny soaps are almost too much for my obsession). I also worked on finishing long over due photos, did my taxes over after discovering another tax credit I was previously oblivious to (thanks mom!), paid my rent, made and scarfed down the best salad I've had all year and began planning the baking I'm doing this week for a couple of birthday celebrations. I was exhausted by the end of the night, but I was 100% thankful that I didn't waste the day. I look forward to as many non-wasted days as possible from now on.

Cha-cha-changes: Before, During and Not Quite After

************************************Circa 2004? Me at 275 pounds with Crater Lake in the background********************************** I think we were just beginning our diet then. I wasn't too impressed with Atkins at that time. Tudeskii was losing weight rapidly and I was just watching in envy. I remember wanting to hike through the park and down to the water but there's no way (weigh?) that my body could handle it. It was summer and I was always so hot. I would show at little skin as possible. I had a serious farmer tan. That Coke shirt was a 26/28- the highest size I'd reached at that point. It was a big reason why I knew I had to lose weight.


*********************************Circa April and June 2004. Me at 255-60 pounds and then 245 pounds. *****************************
























This was the summer when things began to take off. I believe I got down to 225 or 230 by September. I was (literally) walking my ass off. I walked all over the neighborhood and ended up wearing out my sneakers by fall. I remember thinking in that second picture that I was doing pretty well after having lost 30 pounds. There was a hint of a curve in the outline of my waist. And oh my, how I hated those black polyester pants. I had 3 pair that I wore to work constantly because we had a business attire environment. But I had no sense of style and a figure that didn't look good in anything.




****************************************Circa February 2007. 183 pounds and counting.**************************************************

"Be an After. Stay an After." The slogan of the latest Weight Watchers campaign really struck a chord with me. It dawned on me that I’m closer to being that “after” than I ever have before. And it shows. I’ve done so many things in the last few years that I would have never attempted at my “before” weight. Some of the more frightening, exciting, and interesting things include: dancing in public at a bar with friends, dancing with a complete stranger, running almost 2 miles at one time, signing up for my first sports league ever, keeping my head high when walking around in public, discovering that there is much more to my femininity than just my hair (hello hips and lips!), finding that even chocolate can’t beat the taste of fresh berries, learning to say thank you to a compliment (and fully accepting it as truth), only buying clothes that completely flatter my figure, walking 10 miles at a time, joining a walking marathon twice, returning the gaze of those who give me a double take (well, learning to do it anyway), mentioning my weight in public, being happy to mention my weight in public even though it’s no where near a “normal” or “healthy weight” according to the so-called experts, figuring out that I’m chiseling out some serious curves and I want to keep my curves because they make me unique… especially next to the college girls I always run into, discovering what energy level my body can achieve when it’s at its best, letting my body dictate my food choices instead of my mind or the commercials on TV, discovering that I have a normal metabolism after all, accepting that I can be a feminist while still wearing panty hose and enjoying makeup (it is my choice after all), building a wardrobe of skirts and dresses, enjoying life in a skirt or dress, running and walking the Relay For Life events the past 3 summers, discovering the power of attractiveness and finding the ability to flirt, doing pushups and sit-ups for the first time in my life (more than 2 at a time!), figuring out that fast food is indeed quite disgusting, and just this past weekend- biking 18 miles in 2 hours.

See You Next Year: Same Time, Same Place

Oh you evil little cookies. You ruined my diet for the day. And you have transfat! And you gave me insomnia! And I'm pissed that I only bought one box!