40 days
I am pushing him away. I want him to leave today. I can't stand that someone else is around me and has to see me as the way I really am. I am too messy and too unorganized. He sees this and he knows it's because I am a selfish person. I don't care about anyone else and he's gotten close enough to figure it out.
I don't want to go home tonight. He'll be there and I'll have to face him. Or worse yet, there will just be silence where words of regret would otherwise be heard. I regret that I let him in- just like I regret letting anyone in and that close to me. No one deserves to be with someone so selfish, so self-centered and out of control. I am of no use to him. I can't be of any good to him or anyone else because I am of no good to myself.
When this happens, and it seems to every time, I realize that I am just not meant to be with other people. It's what I want so badly but it's not what I deserve. I can't be a good person and for that reason, I don't need to be around other people. I am too dependent and too high maintenance. I don't give a shit about my life and all it does is manifest itself into dependence on other people. I just hang on, dig my claws in and wail when I feel myself slipping. It happens all the time.
I am not meant for what I want in life. It's not what I deserve because I don't have the capacity to turn my life around and do any good. As much as I think about other people, as much guilt as I carry on my shoulders for all the bad things I do and all the things I don't do for other people.... my actions don't reflect any of it. I just retreat further and further inward and lash out until I've made sure that everyone has left me alone.
I'm trying to make sure that he leaves too. He deserves far better than what I have to offer. The few redeeming qualities that I have are far outnumbered by all the negativity that I carry around combined with the lack of motivation and willpower I have to make life better for everyone else. I am not a good person and I don't want him to put up with that.
I don't want to go home tonight. He'll be there and I'll have to face him. Or worse yet, there will just be silence where words of regret would otherwise be heard. I regret that I let him in- just like I regret letting anyone in and that close to me. No one deserves to be with someone so selfish, so self-centered and out of control. I am of no use to him. I can't be of any good to him or anyone else because I am of no good to myself.
When this happens, and it seems to every time, I realize that I am just not meant to be with other people. It's what I want so badly but it's not what I deserve. I can't be a good person and for that reason, I don't need to be around other people. I am too dependent and too high maintenance. I don't give a shit about my life and all it does is manifest itself into dependence on other people. I just hang on, dig my claws in and wail when I feel myself slipping. It happens all the time.
I am not meant for what I want in life. It's not what I deserve because I don't have the capacity to turn my life around and do any good. As much as I think about other people, as much guilt as I carry on my shoulders for all the bad things I do and all the things I don't do for other people.... my actions don't reflect any of it. I just retreat further and further inward and lash out until I've made sure that everyone has left me alone.
I'm trying to make sure that he leaves too. He deserves far better than what I have to offer. The few redeeming qualities that I have are far outnumbered by all the negativity that I carry around combined with the lack of motivation and willpower I have to make life better for everyone else. I am not a good person and I don't want him to put up with that.
Labels: Dating
posted by punkindunkin at 11:18 AM
4 Comments:
None of us are perfect and of course, through our own eyes we always see more negative attributes than our positive ones. Rest assure, you are a good soul and "he" surely sees that.
you have your fathers curse, you have very high expectations of yourself, and sometimes this overflows to your expectations of others, humans can not nor should they be put into situations of standards set by other people. your mother knows about human frailty's better than most people I've known, and this is perhaps why our relationship has endured all these years. let go of the standards and small things, grow and enjoy the best each has to offer rather than dwell on small stuff, and everything is small stuff.
Dad
I know you and you are definitely a good person. I wouldn't be your friend if you weren't. You can't think like this--it's not right. We all have faults and that doesn't make us "useless". It makes us human. You have plenty of people that know and care about you. Focus on all the GOOD dear.
We women tend to over-analyze everything and think of our self-worth in terms of what accomplishments we have made and how much good we've done for others. It is so difficult to constantly live up to high personal expectations. Just let yourself be. He (as all men do) has just as many if not more silly little imperfections as you see in yourself. And we always see way more faults than others see in us! Part of growing is learning to not let these bother you so much and actually laughing, having a good sense of humor about so many of each other's undesirable qualities. Stop worrying about how you could be inadvertently driving him off. That can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, thinking such negative thoughts. Stay positive! And yes, don't sweat the small stuff. Sit back and let whatever is meant to be happen.
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