Chow (part of an assignment from photography class)

Still Hanging Around

Still here.
Both of us are still here.
Miraculously.

It frightens me so to have someone look at me, really look at me and all my ridiculous flaws and somehow still accept me and gasp!, even love me. I've come through one storm and found that he's still here, on the other side under blue skies.

With him here, I'm suddenly facing my issues rather than running away from them. I still try to run, but I always run smack into him and he makes me turn around and go do the things I'd rather put off. Getting bills paid, chores done, learning to show up on time, organize, plan...

It's exhausting.

And I assumed that he wouldn't want to be around that no matter how good I make him feel. But he hasn't left, yet.

God, there's always that YET in there, isn't there?

Can't I just for once leave the fucking yet off of a damn sentence of mine?

I was in a sub shop today and the woman at the register complimented me on my hair. There's something about the color that everyone seems to like. She asked me a few questions and that was that. I was having a not-so-great hair day so her comments flew right on by. Outside, I said out loud that she failed to mention to me that my hair was like straw- on certain days, no amount of bouncy mousse is going to get my funky hair to frame my face just so. ABOYNAMEDSUE says to me, "Hey great way to turn a positive into a negative just now." I am the damn queen at that game.

I can beat the positive out of any situation. The problem is, once I've seen what I've done, I madly regret it. Self-fullfilling prophecy should be my middle name.

40 days

I am pushing him away. I want him to leave today. I can't stand that someone else is around me and has to see me as the way I really am. I am too messy and too unorganized. He sees this and he knows it's because I am a selfish person. I don't care about anyone else and he's gotten close enough to figure it out.

I don't want to go home tonight. He'll be there and I'll have to face him. Or worse yet, there will just be silence where words of regret would otherwise be heard. I regret that I let him in- just like I regret letting anyone in and that close to me. No one deserves to be with someone so selfish, so self-centered and out of control. I am of no use to him. I can't be of any good to him or anyone else because I am of no good to myself.

When this happens, and it seems to every time, I realize that I am just not meant to be with other people. It's what I want so badly but it's not what I deserve. I can't be a good person and for that reason, I don't need to be around other people. I am too dependent and too high maintenance. I don't give a shit about my life and all it does is manifest itself into dependence on other people. I just hang on, dig my claws in and wail when I feel myself slipping. It happens all the time.

I am not meant for what I want in life. It's not what I deserve because I don't have the capacity to turn my life around and do any good. As much as I think about other people, as much guilt as I carry on my shoulders for all the bad things I do and all the things I don't do for other people.... my actions don't reflect any of it. I just retreat further and further inward and lash out until I've made sure that everyone has left me alone.

I'm trying to make sure that he leaves too. He deserves far better than what I have to offer. The few redeeming qualities that I have are far outnumbered by all the negativity that I carry around combined with the lack of motivation and willpower I have to make life better for everyone else. I am not a good person and I don't want him to put up with that.

A Boy Named Sue

© 2007 Punkin Dunkin Productions


Here he is, the internet guy.

And here's what I like:
1. He doesn't let me get away with anything. He calls me out on my insecurities and self deprecating comments every time.
2. He smiles all the time when he's around me. I've been warned that he isn't a happy person in general and most of the time he scowls at things. But I'm one lucky girl not to have been the recipient of any scowling. I wouldn't let him get away with it anyway.
3. We have similar background issues that we bring to the relationship which makes it easier to understand one another and empathize.
4. He has a beautiful and strong body that I'm going to love photographing.
5. He thinks I have potential but he likes me for who I am right now. I feel the same about him.
6. He has a fantastic sense of humor and keeps me giggling a whole lot.
7. He's got issues and he readily admits them.
8. He's made me more responsible for my daily activities. The apartment has stayed cleaner now more than ever before. I'm cooking bacon and pancakes and baked chicken and cheesecake.... I didn't know I could even cook. He gives me more of a reason to put those wistful thoughts of self-discipline into action.
9. He makes me feel like a woman and he makes sure I know it.
10. He thinks I'm sexy and he's totally genuine about it too.
----------------------------------------------------

I’ve been struggling with many things in my life. I over-think things to the point of exhaustion. I have this overwhelming need, a totally insatiable desire to UNDERSTAND myself and the world in which I exist. I want to know why I am the way I am and why I am changing so much. I think that obsessive round and round mindset is accurately documented on the blog. If you think it’s not pretty here, try living in my head. I’ve seen that end goal of inner quietness for some time. I’ve wanted to just… be. There doesn’t have to be any discussion, any fighting against or for things to work. I don’t want to be wrapped up in a straight jacket of personal thoughts that keep me far busier in life than I need to be.

I almost didn’t write anything here about BoyNamedSue. But I figured it would be nice for a visit from my future self who could always use a jog of her memory when it comes to these things.

I haven’t had to really think all that much in the last 3 weeks. The time we’ve spent together just flows naturally. There is very little second guessing. Here and there, we wonder why things are going so uncharacteristically smooth for us but then the moment passes and we go back to just existing. Usually laughter and a couple of sarcastic/pessimistic attitudes get us through. He puts me at complete ease. I don’t have to worry about whether he thinks my dinner making skills suck or not. Neither one of us really cares to have control over the tv remote (I watched the Masters this weekend and I am shocked by my total lack of disgust over witnessing that much golf). I don’t care where he lives and what kind of car he drives and I’m not worried that he’s going to hurt me in the end. There’s not any nervousness over discovering things about one another or letting each other into our personal lives.

The best part of all is that I’m not worried about the future. If it ends tonight, I’m fine with that. There won’t be any monumental heartbreak or begging and pleading. I’ll adjust accordingly and move on well enough. I’m in a place where I can accept my present circumstances and I’m learning to work with these things, not against them. I could claw my way through another relationship, finding angst through my unhealthy yearning to NOT BE ALONE, but I’m not seeing that as an outcome here. I think I'm coming to terms with my identity and acceptance of who I am versus what I am not or what I want to be. He makes me feel good about just being in the here and now.