For Art's Sake

Chow (part of an assignment from photography class)

Still Hanging Around

Still here.
Both of us are still here.
Miraculously.

It frightens me so to have someone look at me, really look at me and all my ridiculous flaws and somehow still accept me and gasp!, even love me. I've come through one storm and found that he's still here, on the other side under blue skies.

With him here, I'm suddenly facing my issues rather than running away from them. I still try to run, but I always run smack into him and he makes me turn around and go do the things I'd rather put off. Getting bills paid, chores done, learning to show up on time, organize, plan...

It's exhausting.

And I assumed that he wouldn't want to be around that no matter how good I make him feel. But he hasn't left, yet.

God, there's always that YET in there, isn't there?

Can't I just for once leave the fucking yet off of a damn sentence of mine?

I was in a sub shop today and the woman at the register complimented me on my hair. There's something about the color that everyone seems to like. She asked me a few questions and that was that. I was having a not-so-great hair day so her comments flew right on by. Outside, I said out loud that she failed to mention to me that my hair was like straw- on certain days, no amount of bouncy mousse is going to get my funky hair to frame my face just so. ABOYNAMEDSUE says to me, "Hey great way to turn a positive into a negative just now." I am the damn queen at that game.

I can beat the positive out of any situation. The problem is, once I've seen what I've done, I madly regret it. Self-fullfilling prophecy should be my middle name.

40 days

I am pushing him away. I want him to leave today. I can't stand that someone else is around me and has to see me as the way I really am. I am too messy and too unorganized. He sees this and he knows it's because I am a selfish person. I don't care about anyone else and he's gotten close enough to figure it out.

I don't want to go home tonight. He'll be there and I'll have to face him. Or worse yet, there will just be silence where words of regret would otherwise be heard. I regret that I let him in- just like I regret letting anyone in and that close to me. No one deserves to be with someone so selfish, so self-centered and out of control. I am of no use to him. I can't be of any good to him or anyone else because I am of no good to myself.

When this happens, and it seems to every time, I realize that I am just not meant to be with other people. It's what I want so badly but it's not what I deserve. I can't be a good person and for that reason, I don't need to be around other people. I am too dependent and too high maintenance. I don't give a shit about my life and all it does is manifest itself into dependence on other people. I just hang on, dig my claws in and wail when I feel myself slipping. It happens all the time.

I am not meant for what I want in life. It's not what I deserve because I don't have the capacity to turn my life around and do any good. As much as I think about other people, as much guilt as I carry on my shoulders for all the bad things I do and all the things I don't do for other people.... my actions don't reflect any of it. I just retreat further and further inward and lash out until I've made sure that everyone has left me alone.

I'm trying to make sure that he leaves too. He deserves far better than what I have to offer. The few redeeming qualities that I have are far outnumbered by all the negativity that I carry around combined with the lack of motivation and willpower I have to make life better for everyone else. I am not a good person and I don't want him to put up with that.

A Boy Named Sue

© 2007 Punkin Dunkin Productions


Here he is, the internet guy.

And here's what I like:
1. He doesn't let me get away with anything. He calls me out on my insecurities and self deprecating comments every time.
2. He smiles all the time when he's around me. I've been warned that he isn't a happy person in general and most of the time he scowls at things. But I'm one lucky girl not to have been the recipient of any scowling. I wouldn't let him get away with it anyway.
3. We have similar background issues that we bring to the relationship which makes it easier to understand one another and empathize.
4. He has a beautiful and strong body that I'm going to love photographing.
5. He thinks I have potential but he likes me for who I am right now. I feel the same about him.
6. He has a fantastic sense of humor and keeps me giggling a whole lot.
7. He's got issues and he readily admits them.
8. He's made me more responsible for my daily activities. The apartment has stayed cleaner now more than ever before. I'm cooking bacon and pancakes and baked chicken and cheesecake.... I didn't know I could even cook. He gives me more of a reason to put those wistful thoughts of self-discipline into action.
9. He makes me feel like a woman and he makes sure I know it.
10. He thinks I'm sexy and he's totally genuine about it too.
----------------------------------------------------

I’ve been struggling with many things in my life. I over-think things to the point of exhaustion. I have this overwhelming need, a totally insatiable desire to UNDERSTAND myself and the world in which I exist. I want to know why I am the way I am and why I am changing so much. I think that obsessive round and round mindset is accurately documented on the blog. If you think it’s not pretty here, try living in my head. I’ve seen that end goal of inner quietness for some time. I’ve wanted to just… be. There doesn’t have to be any discussion, any fighting against or for things to work. I don’t want to be wrapped up in a straight jacket of personal thoughts that keep me far busier in life than I need to be.

I almost didn’t write anything here about BoyNamedSue. But I figured it would be nice for a visit from my future self who could always use a jog of her memory when it comes to these things.

I haven’t had to really think all that much in the last 3 weeks. The time we’ve spent together just flows naturally. There is very little second guessing. Here and there, we wonder why things are going so uncharacteristically smooth for us but then the moment passes and we go back to just existing. Usually laughter and a couple of sarcastic/pessimistic attitudes get us through. He puts me at complete ease. I don’t have to worry about whether he thinks my dinner making skills suck or not. Neither one of us really cares to have control over the tv remote (I watched the Masters this weekend and I am shocked by my total lack of disgust over witnessing that much golf). I don’t care where he lives and what kind of car he drives and I’m not worried that he’s going to hurt me in the end. There’s not any nervousness over discovering things about one another or letting each other into our personal lives.

The best part of all is that I’m not worried about the future. If it ends tonight, I’m fine with that. There won’t be any monumental heartbreak or begging and pleading. I’ll adjust accordingly and move on well enough. I’m in a place where I can accept my present circumstances and I’m learning to work with these things, not against them. I could claw my way through another relationship, finding angst through my unhealthy yearning to NOT BE ALONE, but I’m not seeing that as an outcome here. I think I'm coming to terms with my identity and acceptance of who I am versus what I am not or what I want to be. He makes me feel good about just being in the here and now.

Lowered Expectations Lead to Unexpected Elation

I took the plunge and met someone from Match.com for a date. It's certainly um, an interesting experience. So I'm trying to figure this one out. I know, I know... I can't just let it be. It's just that I find it hard to believe that after a week and a half of entering the world of online dating, I have this hot guy emailing me and then asking to meet for a drink. I assumed he'd take one look at me and hightail it out of the cafe. Then I assumed that he felt like having lunch with me because he didn't want to waste his afternoon by coming downtown for no reason. I thought he'd think of some asinine reason to leave (I had my own on standby for sure). But he didn't.

You can probably see where this is going.

So the hour is up and we don't really know what to do with ourselves. Apparently neither one of us had thought this thru. Essentially the one hour drink I had all planned out in my head (full of awkward pauses, sweaty palms and stammering responses about the weather) instead turned into an 8 hour date. I wasn't sure if I should call it a date but with 8 hours logged in, how can I not? We had lunch and then a walk with lots of talking, and then ice cream, then a lot of talking followed up by even more talking, and finally ending with a movie that I really couldn't recap here because it was too hard to pay attention to.

Hello! Hot guy sitting Right.Next.To.Me! And he's reaching for my hand to hold! Who gives a flippty-flip what's on the screen! Show me static for all I care!

The end of the night comes and he asks if he can call me again. "Sure!" I'm enthusiastic after such an unexpected day. But come bedtime I'm thinking to myself, "Isn't that the number one complaint from single women? That men say they'll call and they don't? Haven't I heard this on 'Sex and the City' a thousand times before??" So I'm psyching myself up for the possibility that he doesn't call for several days or if ever again.

My expectations are just way too low.

Low and behold, he calls me Sunday and offers to take me out to get errands (he knows about the car situation and I think he breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't turn my nose up at his early model Subaru wagon. I thought it was cute. And I'm too old to care about the kind of car that someone drives. It doesn't cross my mind as a prerequisite for a potential date). But I had just returned home after the ex was kind enough to take me to the store.


But he called!
And it was the very next day!!!
I was so taken back that I forgot to get really gussied up.
No shit, he called!!!!!!!



My expectations must have hit rock bottom. Is this what my 30’s will be like if I stay single?

We had a nice evening together on Sunday too. But I'm leery because I am the eternal pessimist and this last year has only added fuel to that particular fire. How can the first one out of the gate be this good? So this is what cautiously optimistic feels like- it's a brand new feeling to me. I'm happy that things got off to such a great start but I know that I need to remember the mistakes I've made in the past (the thought that he just wants to get into my pants because I appear pathetic [in my warped mind] did occur to me. But then I had to remind myself that guys are guys and they don’t want to just get into the pants of the desperate ones, they want to get into as many pairs as possible. Being pretty or confident doesn’t necessarily make a difference). Most importantly, if he never calls again or things end icky or just never go anywhere… well, I'm gonna be just fine. I've got a busy life that needs my attention. I can do fine with or without someone right now. I prefer with, but I'm strong enough to handle either.


The other really cool thing is that this guy has a degree in psychology. He's also got my number and he's got it good (as in he’s pegged me pretty damn well for only having known me 36 hours). He told me I was extremely sexy which only makes me want to howl with laughter. But he called me out on it when I asked him what was so gosh darn sexy about me. Physical traits and clothes aside, he mentioned the way that I carry myself and the confidence that shines through.

"You know deep down how sexy you are. You just don't want to admit it."

And he's sooooo right. I know exactly what I am and I don't want to admit it. Because admitting it makes me sound arrogant. But more so, it makes me finally face what everyone is telling me is the truth. Close the case already, why don’cha? Now it's time to move on and be finished with the transforming part. I'm a damn butterfly or phoenix or swan; just need to pick one. It doesn't matter. I am this and it's okay to say so. My clothes say it, my giggle says it, my walk says it, and my personality says it. To deny it otherwise is just plain stupid. It’s time to strip the remaining torn and tattered pieces of the insecurity blanket off and just run free. Run free and enjoy every damn minute because I deserve it.

A Life in Bloom: Expectations and Experiments in External Beauty

I am the proverbial ugly duckling. There’s no uncertainty about it these days. I’m nearing the end of the story in terms of my physical transformation. The result of my efforts has not gone unnoticed- by anyone around me. I had several men turning around more than once to look at me while I was at dinner last Saturday. I’m experiencing this phenomenon in many social situations pretty much every day now. I catch some glances with a cool face and others I notice in my peripheral vision but don’t acknowledge. I was at the receiving end of a very chilly once-over by a woman who must have considered me competition (at least, that’s the catty look that I’ve seen other women giving each other when they feel threatened). It’s weird to be stared at. It’s even weirder to admit that it may not be due to a negative appearance or personality that I displayed for many years.

I’m used to being stared at or ignored (which would seem more merciful but is far from it), having doors shut in my face because the guy ahead of me didn’t think to hold it open for me. I’m used to snickering and condescending looks, pity for my size and perceived slovenly appearance. It was all that I knew. I didn’t realize how differently people are treated based on their appearance. It’s a “duh” realization; you always hear about the impact that appearances have on dating, jobs, raises, just about ANYTHING imaginable. But until you cross that line in either direction and experience it first hand, only then does the reality fully sink in.

I realize that I feel more vulnerable nowadays than I ever did when I was obese. The vulnerability factor has multiplied exponentially over the last year. I find that to be an odd and certainly unexpected consequence of the weight loss. Losing weight, working on becoming healthy, paying attention to one’s appearance- it’s all about finding control and balance in life. It’s a powerful statement of self love and self worth. But it’s not an easy transition.

I am not able to just go from a place of worthlessness to one of complete confidence. I question the motives of strangers (i.e. men) who are nice to me. I am leery of men who want to date me. Me? Are you kidding? Am I being punked or what? Call me pretty and I think you’re a total liar. I have no other lens thru which to view my world. It is the lens of a former fat girl who still remembers her old life. The fat is no longer there (most of it anyway) but I can still feel it under my skin. I have broken through that self-imposed protective barrier that sheltered me from heavy doses of dating disasters, inappropriate sexual comments made in public (this time they mean what they say, as opposed to before when it was one big joke on one big girl), embarrassing stares- albeit cute when done respectfully, fashion & makeup flubs, as well as the glaring spotlight. As a girl who lived life on the fringes and found comfort in all that she knew to be true there, I can tell you that the spotlight is a scary, scary place for me.

My world has been turned upside down and inside out (and I want to stress that although this post is about the negative and scary aspects, there are many, many good things about my new physical self and the personality blooming because of it). The sky is no longer blue and in my world, that means I am no longer considered ugly. I have stepped into a brand new role and I haven't a clue as to what to do with myself sometimes. The closest and most appropriate analogy I can think of is that of a young teenage girl discovering the world of women through experimental hits and misses. I am 13 going on 30. I’ve had to learn all that a young girl would over several years. I have to make up for lost time and do it pretty quickly.

The particular type of woman that I am gravitating towards is fashion conscious (or obsessed for those who consider such things trivial), on the verge of being considered a shoe whore, considers makeup to be a positive enhancement to her appearance, and goes for the clothes that hug the curves. I make no apologies for my choices. I want to look attractive and I think I do through my wardrobe choices. I idolized the girls on ‘Sex and the City’ and I always wished I could feel “normal” (but we should already know that “normal” does not exist except in magazines like Architectural Digest, movies with double d starlets, and twisted ideals spouted from the lips of deluded cable news anchors and their guests). I feel like a woman for the first time in my life and I’ve had to face the repercussions from choosing to accentuate what I am.

One place that I have to experiment in is the world of dating. I’ve had boyfriends for 11 years now and yet… it’s a whole new ballgame since putting myself OUT THERE. I haven’t had much luck in the last year and my insecurities surrounding my new life certainly play into that. I took the plunge and looked at profiles of singles on a popular dating website this week as a sort of joke/dare. Having never taken to dating on the net, I wasn’t sure what I would encounter. Perhaps it was just the site I perused but I was a little shocked by the selection.

First off, let me insert a disclaimer here: I cannot spell without the help of a dictionary or the computer’s spell checker program. I never learned all the rules of grammar to the point of using them more correctly than say 75% of the time (I like using ‘and’ at the beginning of a sentence, I’m not always sure when to end a paragraph and start a new one). I use the spell check tool and electronic thesaurus religiously. I read my writing, and then reread it, usually following up with a final skimming before I hit submit. I’m overly self conscious about my inability to articulate my thoughts both on paper and in person.
That being said, I cannot believe what I am witnessing on this site. There seem to be more misspelled words than all of my childhood written spelling tests combined. This goes way, way beyond the commonly misspelled or misused words. And I seriously wish I was kidding or exaggerating here. Although I can decipher what’s being said, I get completely stuck on the grammar, lack of punctuation or full sentences, and general disregard for professionalism- which seems to delete the pool of eligible applicants rather quickly. Do these guys realize how idiotic their profiles look to the general public? Did they take more than 2 minutes to think about what they were saying and how it might come across to someone of the opposite sex? It signals a couple of things to me: A disregard for self respect first off, a lack of respect for any potential dates they are trying to attract, a quick judgment on their education level, followed by thoughts of weighing their possible education level against actual level of laziness.

In addition to the possibly lazy or unskillful member profiles, there are so many rotten photographs used as profile pictures that I can’t help but wonder if it’s on purpose. I used this picture as my profile. It’s clear and crisp and not overly suggestive. I think it’s a good representation of me (I did add recent full length shots too- so there’s no mistaking my body type and no one will assume I’m a skinny minnie). On the site, I see pictures mostly taken with camera phones and webcams. Many are fuzzy, exceedingly blurry and surely not reflective of physical looks- unless you consider a Picasso painting to be a true representation of the human face. I’ve seen several where the face is in a complete shadow. Any hint of physical features, pleasant or otherwise, is just not possible. I don’t consider myself overly shallow but I’d be a total liar if I said looks don’t play a part in my dating criteria. They do- probably like 99% of the rest of the human race. However, I do have a different idea of what’s beautiful, usually that which goes partially against the American cultural norm these days.

I actually sent a short note to one guy thanking him for having a totally legible profile, proper picture and witty commentary. I don’t think these men realize that they completely cut themselves out of the competition- at least from respectable women. Then again, perhaps my standards are too high if I’m looking at spelling and grammar to be an indication of respectability. But when it’s pretty much all you have to go on, you’re going to judge it critically. At least you should if you’re serious about finding love. Part of me does speak up though and questions whether I should use that as criteria, at least to the degree to which I do, when weeding through the singles. People have judged me solely on looks all of my life- rather harshly, I might add. They couldn’t look past the initial impression to see anything valuable to them. I do wonder if I am doing the same thing now, but in reverse?

The experiment continues....

Surfacing