A Man and His Shadow

© 2006 Punkin Dunkin Productions

Beach Series #1

© 2006 Punkin Dunkin Productions

It's That Time of Year Again

I was terribly disappointed by Grey's Anatomy last night. Stupid recap shows!

I think I could stay away from the TV a whole week for that reason alone.

I have one paper, two midterms, one lab and one quiz due this week anyhow so I really don't have the time to waste in front of the boob tube.

Train Ride

© 2006 Punkin Dunkin Productions

Rally For the Women of South Dakota

all photos © 2006 Punkin Dunkin Productions


I took these photographs over a month ago at a rally in downtown Eugene. There was a freelance photographer there at the same time and she was working for the Daily Emerald. I liked her shots a great deal and when I compared them to my own, I figured I might be able to do freelance work some day too.

I enjoyed the enthusiasm at the rally as well as the diversity in women (and men) that participated. It was invigorating to be a part of something important and to document it here.

Want more information about protecting reproductive rights? Check out Save Roe or Planned Parenthood of Oregon.

There Are Days

...when the anger and pain is so overwhelming that I can barely breathe.

...that I wish something would put me out of my misery.

...that I can't believe how easily depressed I became again.

...I want to destroy everything I come in contact because it's how I feel inside.

...that nothing seems pleasurable; even the warmth from a sunny day doesn't help.

...when I wished I could start over knowing what I know now.

...I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and wait for a different day to come.

...I have to hide how I feel because I don't want other people to pity me.

...when I wonder why I have to go through this and how I can make it stop.

Background Information

20 years ago I . . .
1. was the fattest fourth grader in my class at Lakeview Elementary.
2. had a best friend that would beat up anybody, including me if she didn’t get her way.
3. couldn’t concentrate in my upper level science class because I was too self conscious about being a girl.

10 years ago I . . .
1. tried for the second time in my life to commit suicide.
2. (shortly there after) met my first boyfriend who showed me that I was lovable by someone other than my family.
3. quit the job I had worked hard at for almost four years (and through most of high school) by walking out on my break one night.

5 years ago I . . .
1. was dating someone new (although that began in early 2000) after ruthlessly breaking my first boyfriend’s heart.
2. lived in a crappy two bedroom apartment near a seedy intersection of town that consisted of a run down and over-priced grocery store, a gas station with a bullet proof glass booth, a porn shop with customers that liked to cruise for hookers congregating on the sidewalks, and a disgusting bar where homeless and down-on-their-luck-but-always-drunk persons staggered in and out of all day long picking fights with one another.
3. was just beginning to contemplate my move to Oregon. Later that year, just after 9/11, I flew out to visit the University and realized this was where I needed to be.

3 years ago I . . .
1. celebrated one year of living out here by moving into a new apartment with my wonderful boyfriend of six months.
2. worked on the bulletin board committee at work (designing and executing elaborate displays) in order to find creativity in my life and in a job that seemed to be a black hole.
3. applied for admission to the University of Oregon. I was accepted in January 2004.

1 year ago I . . .
1. finally paid attention to the comments a certain fellow blogger was leaving on my other blog. I quickly found a friend. I eventually found love. I recently found pain.
2. was unknowingly embarking on a long delightful summer of countless trips around the state that produced many beautiful photographs showcasing my budding amateur talent.
3. finally broke up (for good) with my boyfriend whom I loved dearly but couldn’t continue being in a relationship because we didn’t seem to be “in love”. It’s hard to explain.

So far this year I . . .
1. started taking violin lessons for fun
2. found a counselor at school to help me overcome my procrastination (and subsequent depression)
3. lost the hope that I had to be in a relationship with two people I loved dearly.

Yesterday I . . .
1. cried for the billionth time this year.
2. realized I could no longer share all of the thoughts that I had with the person who means so much to me. And was told that this person thought I was unstable from the moment we met. I didn’t even put up a fight and tell him that he’s the one who’s made me unstable these last six months!
3. wore an outfit that made me feel sexy and realized I need to do that more often.

Today I . . .
1. started a new blog so I could continue to post but do so anonymously and without fear of what those closest to me think about my fluctuating mental state.
2. skipped my classes because I was working on a long paper about Japan.
3. bought cookies from the vending machine at work because I’m use to eating to sooth my depression. I realized I had not used the vending machines in more than two months. Of course for three weeks not so long ago, I had no appetite to speak of since I was distraught with heartache.

Tomorrow I will . . .
1. have my paper on Japan turned in. NO.MATTER. WHAT.
2. try not to worry about the pain I’m having on the right side of my chest and the lump I found.
3. find the time to clean around the house and buy the cats some new (see: EXPENSIVE!!) food so one of them stops itching so badly.

In the next year I will . . .
1. learn to play one song really well on the violin
2. have to move out of my nice apartment into a small dumpy studio close to school and wait out another six months until I can graduate so I can begin a fun filled year of an AS degree in photography.
3. have my first car finally paid off! Those six years just flew by!