Strangling the Butterfly Into Submission Only Gets You One Dead Butterfly: Letting Go & Learning to be Okay

"Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

© 2005 Punkin Dunkin Productions

I learned this technique from a friend (or rather borrowed it to fit my own situation) and for some reason I always remember to do it after the fact. When it feels like a relationship you have with someone is out of control- or rather you’re having a hard time communicating, getting what you want, understanding them, making changes that benefit you both and nothing seems to work, you should picture releasing the problem from your grips. Actually holding up your fist and opening and closing it, picturing the problem floating away, is a good start. I first used this technique when I was having a difficult time with a lover last year and I was constantly struggling to rope him in and “make it work”. I pictured him as a butterfly and I let my hand open and close again, allowing him fly in and out and flutter about, rather than just grasping at him and breaking a wing or ending his little life (not that I want to snuff you out or anything, Alder dear). When you think about it, a butterfly is a thousand times more beautiful as a free creature fluttering in and out of your vision rather than stuck pinned on a white board underneath some glass. Wouldn’t you agree?

So sometimes I remember this butterfly metaphor when I find my thoughts spiraling out of control and everything feels like a weight bearing down on me. But more often than not, I don’t remember to let go until it’s too late and I’ve worked myself into yet another emotional frenzy. (Oh, to have a better use for all that emotional power I can create so easily!)

I’ve tried slowly to begin to see my relationship with Mr. Big as another butterfly. I want to just let us be. If I don’t think to hard, overreact and pout, overanalyze and imagine crazy shit going down, if I just trust, if I love, if I enjoy the time we are together and also try and enjoy the time when we’re not together, if I don’t worry ‘bout the future, or the past, or whether he’s going to dump me or ask me to marry him, if I just breathe once in a while…




Perhaps the butterfly will just sit on my shoulder and give me what I want. I don’t have to constantly pull out the scalpel and try to dissect it, do I?






Am I having relationship issues? Yes.

Am I having issues in all areas of my life? Yes.

Am I still working on the depression thing? Yes.

I'm not even close to being healed (or as I like to call it- being myself) am I? Hell, no.

So it might be a good idea cut Mr. Big some slack, know that I've got to work on me for a while, and relax just a wee bit in our relationship, right? Yeah, sure.

Let me say that there are two sides to every story (NOTE: I AM NOT EXCUSING HIS BEHAVIOR) and Mr. Big certainly does have his side to things. I can imagine that it’s difficult to put up with me right now. I am not the bubbly and flirtatious person that I can be when I'm normally doing well. I get easily offended and I question the motives of everyone around me. I'm self absorbed and clingy. I let my thoughts spiral out of control and I'm weepy more that I'd like to admit. In short, I guess I'm trying to say that I don't think Mr. Big is necessarily bad for me (in fact, many days I'm convinced I'm the bad one- of course there should a protest over using value judgements like bad or good to describe us...). I wonder what life would be like right now if I wasn't depressed. There would certainly be issues between us (he mirrors my father's personality and it's very eerie) but I'd like to think that I could have better control over my thoughts and feelings and I would be better equipped to slide into the role of his girlfriend. He told me last night that he felt it was his job to make me happy. And I immediately corrected him. It’s no one’s job but mine. No one can give me true happiness if I can’t give it to myself (geez louise, that sounds like a horrible cliché). That’s just the way it works.

I’m trying to learn not to fight so hard. I feel like I’m fighting for things but it usually ends up that I’m fighting against these things in the end. I’m fighting against Mr. Big for a lot of reasons. Some I understand and some I don’t. My goal this week is to not fight so hard. I'm going to relax and try to find happiness in little things like our dinner together last night, this morning's sunrise, the fact that I get to see one of my best friend's this weekend, and the very fact that I have a ton of things to be thankful for. I'm not going to sit and overanalyse anything said or not said to me. I'm going to open and close my fist whenever I get into that panicky depressed mode. I'm going to let the butterfly out for air this week and I'm going to be happy about it. It's a skill that's going to take time. It's a skill that I need right now for all areas of my life. I'm going to be okay, I just need to not work so hard at fighting it all the time.