Q:How Do You Know
When You've Found The Absolute Wrong Person To Marry?
A:When they prefer to eat their pizza dinner rather than be a shoulder for you to cry on.
"Can I just talk while you eat? I just need to talk it out."
"No. I want to enjoy my meal in peace."
Words fail me. This is what it feels like to lose hope. It's a very odd feeling. Kind of like free falling and eventually meeting the ground with my unprotected skull.
A:When they prefer to eat their pizza dinner rather than be a shoulder for you to cry on.
"Can I just talk while you eat? I just need to talk it out."
"No. I want to enjoy my meal in peace."
Words fail me. This is what it feels like to lose hope. It's a very odd feeling. Kind of like free falling and eventually meeting the ground with my unprotected skull.
posted by punkindunkin at 1:35 PM
6 Comments:
Gah, he's done you a favour by showing you what he's like before you went any further in the relationship!
I know that's not much consolation right now, but it will be, I assure you.
Like the quote, I forget who wrote it, goes, "when people show you who they are, believe them."
Hugs!
You're right.
I'm trying to stay calm and recognize this as a blessing. My heart is so broken though that I'm having a hard time breathing.
Someone told me that there is no one person who can meet all of our needs and while I agree with that, I have to say that a spouse or potential spouse should be able to meet the emotional support and comfort need. Perhaps this is different for others but for me, this is a deal breaker.
Mr. Big does not realize that with that one little conversation, he has created a wedge between us that will grow as large and as wide as a gulf. I cannot turn to him for this type of support. I can’t have his shoulder to cry on (I can’t even cry in front of him) and that in turn makes me weary and disappointed. It makes me question everything that he is and everything he does. It destroys any shred of hope for trust between us.
I can’t change him and he can’t change me. It’s not right of either of us to expect that from one another. I accept him for who he is, I just don’t have to live with him.
The next step that I dread is having the conversation with him where I tell him that I will never marry him and I will never have any more of his children. I won't subject an emotional teenager to his lack of sensitivity. I won't subject myself to a life with that.
I don’t know how to tell him this. I don’t know if he’ll even listen or if it will sink in. It’s just heartbreaking stuff to deal with.
Oh, love.
It's not that one little conversation that created that gulf. It's that the conversation exemplified much of what you had already been feeling.
Listen to your gut. Don't let your optimism and hope blind you. They are beautiful things, but when someone makes you feel small and shut out/shut down, that is not a negotiable element in a relationship (in my opinion). I understand that maybe he didn't feel equipped to have whatever discussion at that moment, but he decided not just to put his wants/needs ahead of yours, but to steamroller over yours and not look back. Has this been a pattern?
So perhaps no one person can meet all your needs. Fair enough. I agree with that statement in that I believe we have to take responsibility for meeting some of our own needs (cultivating interests, spiritualilty, skills, and friendships--cultivating joy in our lives), but a life partner needs to consistently make us feel loved, secure, and peaceful. In my world, anyway. Also in my world, love isn't intended to be a rollercoaster. You shouldn't wonder where you stand with the other person, and you shouldn't feel like what they say clashes with what they do.
No matter how good he makes you feel sometimes, that doesn't mean he gets to make you feel horrible other times. That's not to say that couples don't have things to work through--they do--but your partner needs to be able to work through those moments in a way that doesn't feel destructive to you.
Love, if you cannot trust him, it's time to say goodbye. And if you can't trust him, be strong about saying goodbye--he will probably talk lots of beautiful talk and make promises to change...that's nice, but if you can't trust him, none of that matters. If he makes you feel small and alone, none of that matters. If you decide to tell him that you will not enter into long-term relationship with him, be crystal-clear and completely inflexible about it. Understand that because there are many things you do like about him, you may need to have him completely out of your life after that statement so you don't slip back under the Mr. Big spell; maybe this guy is one that you won't be friends with afterwards. Sometimes that happens, and it's okay. It doesn't mean you screwed up. It means you did what was necessary.
Honor all that is bright and beautiful in you, Ms. Punkin. You deserve better. Courage!
I love you!
Yep, what rori said so much more wisely than me!
Emotional support is not negotiable for me these days either. Sometimes people can learn to be more available, but they have to want to learn. This fella isn't showing those signs!
Better to go to bed alone than to lie and cry quietly beside a man who has shut you out. Been there, got the tear stains, but no longer. Good, men are out there, you just have to believe you deserve one, and not be too busy with the wrong ones to see him.
And yes, you are right, he'd do it to his kids too, and so the cycle would continue.
More hugs!
Whoops, typo, that should read, "Good men are out there."
:)
It made me sad to see you in tears on Thursday, your tears are felt, just as your smiles are, you are such a radiant and beautiful person, and what you deserve in a partner is nothing less then mutual adoration, in sorry and in joy.
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