Until I Can Get it All Out

End of Year Meme from Badger's blog

Post the first sentence of the first post for every month this year.

January:
When I accepted the idea that this relationship could work as a poly one, I knew I was in for a long hard haul, but I was blinded by how long and how hard it would turn out to be.

February:
In no particular order this week,

I jumped on the scale for the first time in 3 months, was shocked that I hadn't gained but maybe 2 ounces, and resolved to return to a more healthy way of eating so I can hit my magic happy weight number in the next four months (that's 12 pounds and 8 ounces away).

March:
I bought my first crushed velvet blazer today at Goodwill for $2.50.

April:
Someone I know does not have a good relationship with one of his/her parents.

(from the new blog) 20 years ago I . . .
was the fattest fourth grader in my class at Lakeview Elementary.

May:
(like the stereotypical woman who always changes her mind) I kinda miss this blog.

(from the new blog) Last night's dream was brought to me by my subconscious just one day after I made the declaration that I was not suffering from reoccurring or symbolic dreams as of lately.

June:
I thought if there's anything in the world I could write about, is what life is like as a Fat girl who needs sex like she needs water but who couldn't get a sip to save her life.

July:
So I'm lonely, cranky, depressed, and at my wits end.

August:
Q:How Do You Know.... When You've Found The Absolute Wrong Person To Marry?

September:
So anyone who has spoken to me in the last three months knows that since starting to date Mr. Big, I have had some very rocky moments.

October:
I figured out that I have pnigophobia.

November:
Saturday was the first day I finally felt the Christmas spirit move me.

(too bad that was November 6th!)

December:
Here's what I feel like today: I had a Stoffer's stuffed pepper frozen meal & almost an entire box of Ferrero Rocher candies for dinner and the scale said 189.8 this morning.


I'm in a really bad mood tonight, with 79 minutes to go until 2007. I have an enormous post about this year that I've been working on but I fear that if I were to finish it tonight, it would only sink me further into depression. So it's going to wait for now.

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom."

quote by Marilyn Ferguson

Things I fear:

1. Ending up homeless and having to live in my car if I can't figure out my finances pretty damn quickly.

2. Having to work crappy jobs forever and never get to one that makes me feel fulfilled.

3. Having to count every single penny and decide whether to buy groceries for the month or get some health related issue dealt with even though I'm supposed to have good insurance.

4. Not being able to afford children- ever.

5. Not being able to have children since I waited so long. I could be facing reproductive issues for a couple of reasons.

6. Never getting that degree.

7. Never getting an architect's license.

8. Never being able to remember how to spell tommarrow correctly without the aid of spell check.

9. Never being able to lick the procrastination problem that dogs me.

10.Never reaching a goal weight of 175 pounds.

11.Hating my body the rest of my life.

12.Choking to death.

13.Not learning the lessons in this life that I am supposed to.

15.Never finding someone to grow old with.

16.Having a mental disorder/disease that renders me defenseless and senile.

17.Developing some horrible disease or worse yet, passing on something to my children because of all the chemicals I've ingested in my lifetime through air, water and food.

18.Having to deal with the repercussions from eating something with a soul.

19.Having all of my teeth pulled out.

20.Not seeing my loved ones after this life is over.

A Possible End...

to kitty vomit.

Random Friday- Cause That's Just What Kind of Week I've Had! Wait, isn't it Saturday? Oh, Bloody Hell... I Give Up.

1. Here's what I feel like today:

I had a Stoffer's stuffed pepper frozen meal & almost an entire box of Ferrero Rocher candies for dinner. The scale said 189.8 this morning. That makes 85#'s total. My jeans that I completely adore no longer fit me just right (but I was sort of stuffed into them at first. I think I was around 212-215 when I bought the jeans in March). I may have stretched them out just a little too much over the last 6 months. At this rate, I'll be moving into the Barbie mansion by summer.*

2. For the first time in my adult life, I stayed up for 48 hours straight (and I didn't need any speed this time around---- just kidding!). I did get one nap that lasted not quite 50 minutes. And I was totally hallucinating throughout it. I had been woken up by the sound of kitties fighting and for some reason I had convinced myself that my new apartment was flea infested (generally we don't see fleas in a December as cold as this one- at least not without coordinating scarves and mittens). They were jumping off of my blanket and they reminded me of the fizz on top of a glass of just poured soda pop. They were sparkling and I swear I almost heard them talking or singing (but everyone knows that fleas don't speak English- at least not without heavy, heavy accents. And they don't sing so much as shout intelligibly).

3. I have moved out of the old apartment completely. And I cleaned that place like nobody's business. The only place where it is unequivocally dirty would be the grates in the oven. Those damn things wouldn't have come clean even if they were soaked in bleach for a month. We lived in the apartment since May of 2003. I'm almost positive that the grills had never been cleaned up until now. But the good news is that I should be getting most of my security deposit back. The manager was impressed with my cleaning skills (see, mom and dad? See? I can make something shiny and new again! And I can get complimented for it too!).

4. Now that I'm done with school for a month, I've decided to make four things a priority: turning my new apartment into a home (verses the boxes piled up to the ceiling look- I've been losing sight of the cats on an hourly basis. Every once in a while a tail can be seen behind a box or a pitiful meow is bellowed out from somewhere deep in the dark recesses of box jungle. Of course, when it's dinner time, any box that's empty and in the path of a hungry cat is obliterated. It's a lot more fun than having to actually tear down the boxes by hand), I will also be working on Christmas scarves (chances are if you identify with the female gender, you will be getting a scarf from me this holiday season), I have found the disk for Sim2 along with CityLife and Sims4 at my boyfriend's house (I may not see sunshine for an entire week), and I plan to spend a great deal more time with the guy.

5. Speaking of which, (after a grand total of 41 days of dating) I'm still convinced that he's THE ONE. There isn't anything that would change that (short of a confession involving a bloody ax). I did come up against the first real test though. It took almost a month but I finally found what I would consider and honest flaw- or rather a flaw that I think (demand?) needs fixing: We went up to Salem last weekend to do some holiday shopping. He drives because he only travels in trucks and he prefers to be the driver when we are on a date (that's not a control thing, it's just him being a gentleman... besides, I was able to get some knitting done in the process). If I were to say to you that he is one of the scariest drivers imaginable, after all the wonderful things you've heard about him up until now, would you believe me? You know my tendency to exaggerate, right? I'M NOT EXAGERATING EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT ON THIS ONE. He is scary with a capital AAAAHHHHH!!! He seems to think everyone else on the road is a dumbass (many of us do, of course) but he doesn't yield to anyone. NO ONE. I like drivers that are consistent and decisive. He's well, decisive for sure.. but the decisions he makes while behind the wheel of a two ton vehicle are very scary. I mentally calculated the cab fare from Salem to Eugene at one point. I'm going to stop short of saying that he has road rage issues... but he definitely likes to take his aggression out while on the road. It's not pleasant to watch- especially when I've gotten used to this well mannered and very kind gentleman that treats me damn near like a princess. I told him that since I'm only a girlfriend, I'll keep my mouth shut. But if I was his wife, I'd slap him silly for some of the stunts he pulled. If we do end up together, no baby seat will ever make any indentations on his seat cushions. NEVER. I will drive myself home after every delivery, I swear.

6. I forgot all about the article. Sorry! I read it and I wasn't impressed. The reporter got the fact that I'm a planning student and not an architecture student wrong. Then he juxtaposed my comments with an actual architecture professor's and I felt that I just looked stupid. Here is the link, if you want to read it and if it's still available. Otherwise, I copied the article and put it here for reference (I'm not paying that Republican run newspaper just to access their archives).



*If you didn't get that reference, you need to immediately drop everything and go watch the 'Incredible Shrinking Woman' again.