I'm Supposed to be Happy About This

I can no longer fit into the clothes at Lane Bryant. **SOB** I saw these beautiful shirts online and I rushed to the store (even though I would have to pay full retail. But they seemed worth it). I picked out 5 different tops at their lowest size- a 14/16 and NONE of them fit. They were way too big in the stomach. Instead of being overjoyed, I was pissed. Instead of rushing off to another store, I stalked out of LB and went home. I am afraid to go shopping at other places. I still feel huge and I still feel like I don't belong in any skinny people stores and sections. Two weeks ago, I bought a mock turtle neck from Kohl’s to go under a sleeveless wool dress. I had to buy a large as the lowest woman's size, 1x, looked like a tent on me. I had to walk into the skinny section. And I had to suck it up and try my clothes on in the skinny fitting room because the one I was used to was all the way on the other side of the store. The turtle neck fit just fine. But I blamed the fit on the fact that it's a loose fabric with a lot of leeway. I never realized that there was such a wide range of sizes even if the tag says L or S or whatever. One day I find larges that fit perfectly and then the next day brings these teeny tiny strips of cloth that wouldn't cover one thigh. It's extremely frustrating. At least larger sizes are more uniform.

While in Lane Bryant, a store clerk looked up at me as I was browsing and she said "Wow! You have gorgeous hair! You look like you just stepped off of a soap opera." Those clerks are soooo good at flattery. I thanked her and then said "Now we have to get the boys to notice." "Oh I'm pretty sure they do." She said. My response: "Then they better start saying something soon!"

On a slightly related note, I was whining to my therapist this week that I still feel alienated from people. I'm trying very hard to project a confident and bubbly personality, yet when I go to school and I pick a seat in a large room, the seats around me are always the last to fill up. I walk across campus and I see heads turning but no one strikes up a conversation with me. I eat alone in the cafeteria whenever I have to buy my lunch from there. Men stare (and I think some of them might get whiplash… although I’m usually too chicken to give that second glance back to make sure) but they don't necessarily smile. Women smile, although many of them scrutinize my fashion and hair choices rather ruthlessly with their squinty-eyed stares. I thought losing weight would make me less of a freak. Sometimes I feel like one even more. I don't look like the other women (or should I say girls with the tiny bodies they maintain?) on campus. My emerging hourglass shape is a rarity around here. I don't dress like a college student (I like my business casual clothes and my pumps). I'm older than much of the general population but I'm not sure if people can tell that just from my face alone. I don’t have time for clubs or activities on campus so I don’t really have an “in” anywhere. I’m worried that I will be subjected to this ‘otherness’ feeling the rest of my life.

It seems to me that there are different kinds of ‘otherness’ out there. There is the kind that is socially crippling (usually if you have little social skills and little room for learning them). There is the kind that makes you cool (the slightly off balance wardrobe that is somehow hip in its alternativeness… or perhaps the frenzied artistic reputation one might earn within the design arts departments). And then there is my kind- which I’m not exactly sure is anymore. The ‘otherness’ used to related to the fact that I was twice the size as other people and I kept to the fringes of social spaces and I worked hard at being NOT noticed. I don’t do any of those things now and yet, I still get that feeling all the time. Why are people avoiding me now? I think I look good on most days. I think I project confidence even if inside I’m faking it. I think I have a bubbly and flirtatious personality that puts many people (at least while at my job) at ease. So why do I feel like I’ve still got some sort of scarlet letter on my back? Am I imagining things? I don’t know. This otherness feeling can get very oppressive and stifling on days that I just want to BELONG and feel a part of society rather than apart from it.