More Later....

But I just wanted to thank those who gave me advice (both here and out there) about my predicament. I do want to share one thing: After all the crying and yelling and hurt feelings and ‘I’m sorry's’ and 'I Love You's', a miraculous thing happened. I told Mr. Big that we could no longer use text messaging when we found ourselves in the middle of a discussion where a misunderstanding might occur. I wasn’t sure if he would remember that plea or not. But sure enough, last night when we were bouncing back a few messages, he suddenly called me and said he wanted to speak to me and avoid any confusion over the topic. I was completely blown away. It meant more to me to hear that than just about anything else in the last few days- including all the apologies! What that said to me is that there is a genuine level of commitment and desire to work through what problems we face.

I went to bed with a smile on my face and a hopeful lift in my heart for what we have now and what we can achieve in time.



(and yes, I am well aware of how damn cheesy that sounds.)

A Sad Girl Seeking Some Advice

So first let me say that things have been looking up for me in the last couple of weeks. The financial and school pieces are doing better. My physical health is improving and my mental health is way better than just four weeks ago.

But there is one area that has not improved along with me. That would be the area of communication between Mr. Big and I. We have had a few disagreements over some minor and some major things since we started going out. I think a good portion had to do with my mental state and my insecurities surrounding him. I'll throw it out there (because everyone knows this anyways) that I should not have jumped into a relationship so soon after becoming so fragile and depressed from the dissolution of another potential relationship. I was (am?) very fragile. And if I had my wits about me, I would not have agreed to go out with Mr. Big for the sake of both our sanities. But we cannot erase what has happened.

I love Mr. Big very much and I can’t imagine my life without him. He gives me physical comfort, laughter, and excitement whenever we get together. There are times when I reel from the feeling that we get along really well and have so many things in common. But the problem that I have (that seems to be snowballing out of control as we speak) is our communication styles and the friction caused by the differences in each. Mr. Big is very rigid and unyielding when it comes to certain things. He can be down right pigheaded and not admit when he is upset or when he did something wrong. He makes me feel like I did something wrong when I’m sure I didn’t.

Let me interject here a minute and say something to my mother- Yes I know he sounds a lot like me, and yes, a whole lot like Dad. His birthday is one day after Dad’s. And it’s so not funny, Ma! So quit laughing cause I know you are!! :)

I’d like to think that I’ve improved a great deal on my stubborn nature. I try to remember how my mother was with my father time and time again and sometimes it helps to channel that when I feel like yelling and stalking off in a huff. But Mr. Big’s communication style is really putting me to the test! And I’m totally cracking under the pressure. In the last three weeks, the only thing I’ve cried about and found total frustration with is his lack of understanding and his uncompromising personality. He won’t communicate with me on a fair and open level. We have a lack of communication (usually about plans) and suddenly I am considered to be melodramatic about dinner being ruined because he didn’t show up on time or even at all. Regardless of the reasons why, I am still hurt whenever plans are broken or significantly changed. He doesn’t seem to think this is such a big deal and it hurts me.

Today, I left him a message telling him of some up and coming plans I was making. I had already suggested both of these things to him and he said he couldn’t do one and the other one he never gave me a clear answer to. I didn’t want to wait around for him and I didn’t want to nag him for an answer so I started making tentative plans.

He got very upset, left me a message where it was obvious that he was sulking, and sent me several text messages saying that he thought we’d be doing these things together (again, he didn’t give me clear answers to one and he said no to the other due to his schedule). I tried to smooth things over but I couldn’t get through to him by text so I took my break and text back that I was going to call him.

Not only did he not answer his phone, but he also hung up on me when I called several times in a row. He wouldn’t speak to me and it left me shaken and frustrated. I tried my best to be diplomatic and calm about the whole thing, used lots of “I” statements in my subsequent text messages, not blaming him or accusing him but trying to tell him that I love him, respect him and want for both of us to communicate honestly. His response was that he was taking a shower when I called (never mind that 30 seconds b4 he was texting me) and that I was suddenly being irrational and overreacting over the whole thing (usually when someone won’t speak to you and refuses your call, it makes you wonder what you’ve really done to deserve that kind of treatment).

I’ve come a long way in the way that I talk to my boyfriends. I used to pout and scream, hit and scratch whenever I was angry. I never dealt with the things that were really bothering me and I couldn’t discuss them in such a way that was calm. The last two relationships that I’ve had have taught me how to get closer to achieving that. Both men were very flexible, thoughtful and forgiving with me on many occasions. That has helped a great deal. I’m so grateful that both men graced my life with their personalities and taught me all that they did. I figured what I was learning would help me improve anything I would come up against in the future.

But when it comes to Mr. Big, I think I’m wrong.

I am trying very hard to talk about what is really bothering us. I am trying to be open with him. I am trying to be flexible and not get upset and do the girly thing where I pout when I think he doesn’t care about my feelings or he isn’t reading my mind (I know that men are not mind readers. It took me several years, but I eventually had that epiphany!). Now I am coming up against a man who turns thing around on a dime and accuses me of being ridiculous when I’m pretty sure that I’m not. I am dating someone who will not admit when he is wrong. If I try to point it out, it’s such an impossibility, that I must be the crazy one. I can’t get him to admit what’s really bothering him about our latest tiff. He chooses to ignore me and then say that he isn’t. He chooses to blow it out of proportion and then proceed to tell me that I am instead the one doing that. I feel like I cannot win.

And I told him my heart is breaking because communicating with him (on his level… I didn’t say that to him) is proving to be too difficult for me. I feel like I am a failure because all the things I’ve been taught up to this point about communicating effectively are simply not working. And I don’t know what else to do.

What does one do when this is happening?

Please don’t tell me to break up with him. I’d like to think that there is a solution here somewhere. He hasn’t done anything so incredible that I think we are over. I just need some help in figuring out how to get through to him and get him to start speaking to me on a level that doesn’t leave me so frustrated and deeply, deeply hurt.

For Reference: 100 Things About Me

1. I must check the stove before I go to bed at night whenever I’ve used it during the day. I must check every knob including the oven knob, even if I used one single burner.
2. I’m addicted to propel water
3. I can’t stand to drink warm or lukewarm water.
4. I can’t always remember which way is left and which is right. This is more so when I am the passenger in a car and I am asked which way to turn. I have to point Every. Single. Time.
5. I still use my fingers to count.
6. My guilty pleasure of the moment is America’s Next Top Model. Of course, I watch just to see the finished photographs.
7. Whenever possible, I take two showers during the day.
8. I rely on Word’s spellchecker way too much.
9. When I’m nervous or jittery, I tend to pick at my cuticles.
10. I’m beginning to be prejudiced against fat people even though I’ve been one for more than half my life.
11. I am an atheist who has never been given an acceptable reason to believe in a god.
12. Both of my biological grandmothers were Bi-polar. I fear I may end up the same way.
13. I never tie my shoelaces. I like to slip in and out of my shoes.
14. I own just over a dozen pairs of shoes- most of them black.
15. I hate shoes. I can’t understand the shoe fetish that many women have.
16. Maybe I hate shoes because I am a size 9 and most shoes stocked at the stores are 7’s and 8’s. I never pay full price for shoes so I never go early enough in the season to get the best styles that actually fit me.
17. I am a tidy person trapped in the body of a messy person.
18. I use my tweezers every single day.
19. The Daily Show has turned me off to the whole news culture (because of the depressing state our country is in) but it hasn’t stopped me from voting.
20. I have a thing for redheaded women.
21. My biological clock is ticking.
22. I want to have a little girl more than anything in the world.
23. We’ve already started picking out her name.
24. I cannot blow my nose (don’t laugh).
25. I want a puppy. Perhaps he will show the cats how a pet is suppose to love its owner!
26. I cannot use a pencil unless it’s a Ticonderoga.
27. I only write with gel or gel like pens. The Pilot G2 pen is my absolute favorite.
28. I can’t keep a plant alive but I want a vegetable garden badly.
29. All the flowers in my house are fake. I think it’s positively sinful to cut flowers.
30. I hate fancy labels.
31. I cannot sit at a wobbly table and be comfortable. It’s a pet peeve of mine.
32. I have had 12 major jobs since I was 15. There may be other ones that I had to file taxes for but they aren’t memorable enough to count.
33. The shortest time I’ve spent on a job was 2 weeks. The longest will be four years next month. Now ask me if I liked any of them!!
34. I get nervous around people who intimidate me intellectually.
35. I despise people who butt lines, refuse (or conveniently forget) to open the door for me, or who are otherwise impolite.
36. I am unofficially allergic to coffee, donuts and alcohol. Officially, I can live without all of them.
37. My favorite songs include Sleepwalk by Santo and Johnny, Habanera from Carmen, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s Somewhere Over the Rainbow and What a Wonderful World put together, and Chet Baker’s (best) version of My Funny Valentine.
38. I have heard ‘More Than a Feeling’ by Boston at least 2 dozen times on the radio just by random chance in the last 9 months.
39. Of course, nothing to do with Clear Channel radio is ever random.
40. I prefer Mo’nique to Beyonce any day of the week. Luckily, my boyfriend does too!
41. The worst thing about being a girl (IMHO) was losing myself completely during my teenage years.
42. The best thing about being a girl is having that certain power over the boys and reveling in it.
43. I hate blockbuster movies. Where is the acting, I say?
44. My all-time favorite movies include ‘My Own Private Idaho’, ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’, ‘Memento’, ‘Requiem For a Dream’, ‘Amelie’, ‘Secretary’ and ‘The Sixth Sense’.
45. I notice that most, if not all of my favorite movies have been Sundance features.
46. Favorite short stories of all time: ‘That Feeling, You Can Only Say What it is in French’ by Stephen King and ‘Santaland Diaries’ by David Sedaris.
47. When I donate to charity, I give to Planned Parenthood, United Way, Relay for Life and St. Vincent DePaul’s.
48. I live paycheck to paycheck so it gets hard to donate on a regular basis.
49. Not including my student loans (which are too daunting to look at), I am in debt by about $5500.
50. I expect to have close to $1500 of that paid off by the end of the year (fingers crossed).
51. I like to knit but I have a very hard time finishing projects. I have yet to move completely past the scarf stage.
52. I’d love to learn how to sew. I would use Oriental prints as an accent to everything. I’d sew my own clothes to fit my weird hourglass shape and I’d make fabulous curtains for every room.
53. When I become a mommy, I don’t want to stay at home all the time. But I do want to have a schedule that allows me to spend more time with my child than a babysitter would.
54. Perhaps the budding photography hobby would help my spouse and I achieve that type of schedule without losing too much income.
55. I’m 95% sure that I found my future husband.
56. And he knows it because he said it to me first.
57. I’m happy to the point of wanting one of those dippy tee-shirts that says “The Future Mrs. _______”.
58. I just want to make sure that we do this the right way and we go into it fully prepared to be together forever. I don’t believe in divorce for myself except in extreme cases.
59. My best friend is getting married next year and I am her maid of honor. Secretly, I wish I was the one getting married. But maybe I’ll at least be engaged by then.
60. My ideal career would involve renovating buildings for single family use and selling them for affordable prices, maybe even setting up a management company on the side to help assist renters in buying the homes they would start out renting from me.
61. I’d do that because it would make me proud to find affordable homes that fit families perfectly. I’d also do it to avoid more new and butt ugly construction in this country.
62. I don’t like bugs in my home but I don’t feel right about killing them.
63. I usually point the cats in their creepy crawly direction whenever possible.
64. One strange thing that haunts me is being part of a group of little kids that tortured a slug with salt.
65. I fear coming back in my next life as a slug.
66. I love the way the French language sounds.
67. But I would have more use for learning Spanish.
68. My favorite places on earth include all of Hilton Head Island, my parents’ house in the middle of a silent winter night, a certain sand dune in Newport, and my shower.
69. I think all those grammar rules totally blow.
70. I am slowly becoming the person I’ve aspired to be. I naively thought I would be that person when I turned 18.
71. I hate using public toilets. Not because of germs but because I value my privacy from strangers.
72. At my worst, I’m self-centered and high maintenance.
73. At my best, I am passionate and occasionally thoughtful.
74. I’ve never broken a bone and until high school I managed to go through life with only 4 little stitches. Today I have somewhere in the neighborhood of 35-40.
75. ‘Runaway Train’ by Soul Asylum reminds me of my high school crush. ‘The Time Warp’ reminds me of one of my relationships. So does ‘Is This Love’ by Bob Marley, ‘Feelin’ Way Too Damn Good’ by Nickleback and ‘More Than a Feeling’ by Boston.
76. I hate people who immerse themselves in celebrity gossip and all the related TV shows but sometimes I find myself turning to it to avoid the horrors of the fighting in other countries and the constant ineptitude of our current president.
77. I have a thing about personal space. I need a certain amount and I tend to avoid giving hugs to anyone other than close friends and family.
78. The thought of going to a day spa, getting a pedicure, a bikini wax, or a professional massage makes me panicky. I just don’t like strangers that close to me.
79. I had a hard time finding a reason to stop shopping at Wal-Mart until recently when our local store became a disaster area with no employees and untidy shelves. I now go out of my way to avoid Wal-Mart. It’s not cheaper to go somewhere else, but there is a lot less hassle!! Now I can jump on the Anti Wal-Mart bandwagon and not feel like a total hypocrite.
80. I give evolution two opposable thumbs up!
81. I suffer from migraines. Probably due to stress in most cases and gritting my teeth constantly.
82. I like to walk barefoot whenever possible.
83. At my wedding, I will dance barefoot in freshly mowed grass. It sounds a thousand times more appealing than a parquet dance floor.
84. One of the worst things about losing weight is feeling colder more often. I have a lot less body heat to keep me warm.
85. One of the best things is being a thousand times less gassy! (Yes, it’s very true.. for me anyway)
86. I’ll avoid wearing a coat in the winter because I don’t want to look any fatter than I am. It doesn’t matter if I’m freezing- I refuse to look like the Michelin Man!
87. I had a form of body dysmorphic disorder for many years.
88. When I was in 9th grade, I refused to take gym class because we were going to have to swim for the semester. I was not about to get around my peers in a bathing suit. My counselor said I’d never graduate if I didn’t get in the pool.
89. I graduated in 1995 and I never put even one toe into the water. I transferred schools and got gym credit for bowling, yoga, and intense badminton classes.
90. Most of my English credits in high school came from acting. I had parts in 13 different plays in 2 and half years.
91. If you haven’t guessed, I went to a very liberal alternative high school- Malcolm Shabazz City High School in Madison, Wisconsin. It was both a good thing and a bad thing.
92. I have a bad habit of putting my foot in my mouth when I think others can’t hear me talk about them.
93. My biggest regrets include a very unhealthy lifestyle for most of my life, the way I have treated family and friends from time to time (especially when I was young), and certain people that I have fallen for that I wished I hadn’t.
94. There have been times when I wished for a massive illness to ravage my body just so I could lose weight.
95. When I lay down on my side, I love the way my hand can rest on my hip bone.
96. I have an irrational fear of choking to death on food.
97. I eat very small bites of food and small meals because of this fear.
98. I only feel like an adult because I choose breath freshening mint gum over bubblegum, news and history programs over cartoons and paying rent over living at home.
99. I’m waiting on pins and needles for the day that I have a wedding ring on my finger, a baby on one hip, and an architectural design practice.
100. Secretly I’m scared that I won’t be able to juggle all three and stay sane.

Figuring Out What The Real Gift Is

So Mr. Big wants to buy me a "relationship gift" which I'm guessing is just a little token of appreciation and love for having dated for two months. I'd like to think of myself as someone who is not necessarily totally above material possessions, (I like my clothes a lot because my new shape and new attitude beg to be noticed most of the time. I also love my family photographs and my music and books because without those, life becomes meaningless pretty quickly. My car is my lifeline that I take for granted), but I’d like to be know as someone who doesn't need to be constantly validated by a ton of belongings- especially those with fancy labels. I do like items of good quality and craftsmanship. And I adore homemade and handmade items (there is something special about knowing that a person has had their hands touch every inch of the item they make rather than a cold machine just programmed to spit out a duplication of something). I mostly shop at thrift stores for everything except food, toiletries, and the all important underwear. I find the things that I need and things that I want. Right now I am wearing a hand knit 100% wool sweater from Peru that I picked up for $2 at Goodwill. It was just too pretty to rip up for recycled yarn. And it keeps me warm when my bosses can’t figure out how to turn down the air conditioner here at work.

But I digress.

So I’m trying to figure out what I want him to give me. He knows that I am very picky about the clothes and jewelry that I do wear. I never buy anything unless it is just “me”. I have particular tastes and a particular style that I’d like to achieve. As progressive as I assume I am, I have to admit that I’m still distracted by shiny things- baubles and diamonds and sparkly silver ornaments- that are down right girly. And I found a shiny thing last night that gave me some pause.

There is no need to adjust your monitor; that is in fact a picture of a cross.

A week or two after Mr. Big and I started dating, he asked me if he could buy a crucifix for me to wear. I hesitated and stumbled when answering him. He threw me off guard with that offer. I think at that point he knew I was an atheist. I knew he was Catholic and I was (and still am) trying my best to understand where he’s coming from with his spirituality. It's taken me a while to realize is that no one person’s spirituality is exactly the same as another person’s. Just like we all have different physical shapes and developing minds, each person has their own tailored beliefs based on their upbringing, their experiences, and their challenges in life.

I saw this cross last night and I thought of Mr. Big. He would be proud to give it to me- there is no doubt about that. And there is no doubt that I would be proud to wear it. But a part of me worries about having to explain myself. If someone were to notice the necklace as I talk about my religious beliefs, would it suddenly destroy my credibility? Would I feel the need to clarify my gift Every. Single. Time. someone asks? Should I even care what other people think at all? No, I suppose not. But I am concerned about the message that the symbol gives to the rest of the world.

We define our language and our symbols both individually and collectively. The same item can mean one thing to one person and it can have a whole different meaning to someone else (a good example would be the tainted meaning of the original Hindu figure now known as a swastika). When we go against the “common” and “acceptable” meaning for a symbol, we risk being misunderstood, harassed, shunned or perhaps even celebrated on the other end of the spectrum. I don’t want to offend others with my personal choices. But I also don’t want to give a crap what people assume about me (usually incorrect anyhow). I don’t want to feel like a hypocrite for accepting this gift from Mr. Big. I just want to wear something that reminds me of him, of our love, his faith in me and us as a couple. That’s what the cross would symbolize to me. For him, it would have that added spiritual significance. And I’m okay with that (I’ve been okay with listening to him talk about his spiritual convictions, I sit quietly and wait for him to pray before we eat, I’ve offered to go to Church with him—I’m learning to be as tolerant and open as possible because he means so much to me). I don’t have to believe everything that he believes. I don’t have to find faith in his religion. I only need to find faith in us. I think that would be the gift I’m looking for. If this necklace helps me achieve that, why shouldn’t I be proud to ask for it?

On The Other End (Oregon Country Fair)

The Places In Between

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to.

-Marilyn Ferguson

I Want To Be…

...That girl last year who was so happy to be alive. I used to be that happy person at a time that seems so far away from now. I used to wake up every morning at dawn and wonder why I was so lucky to have another day to live. I was on top of the world for so many reasons last year and for the first time this week, I want to be back there again.

My depression hit a scary new low last week and I didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t tell anyone how suicidal I felt and what I was thinking. I didn’t want them to worry about me any more than they already were. I was just so tired of everything. I felt like such a failure as my life was just littered with bad choices and horrible luck.

After contemplating and seriously considering a plan to kill myself this year, I took the night off and thought about what it was that I wanted to be happy again because thinking about death every single day for a week straight was exhausting. I thought about the goals that I had developed over the last few years, the ones I had accomplished and the ones that I had yet to reach…

-End of April, 2006

I’m struggling to figure out why I’m so depressed. But more importantly, I’m trying to figure out how to crawl out of my deep dark hole of depression. I’ve been working on it for months (if you don’t count all the other times I’ve been depressed over the last 20 years). Last year, I was struggling with motivation, concentration and procrastination issues. I had a hard time sitting still and concentrating on anything. I couldn’t watch more than 20 minutes of a movie, read more than a page or two of a book or do anything that required a high amount of mental capacity- like study for school. I sought help at the end of the year and started seeing a counselor in January. She helped me work through some issues. I found some balance with my thoughts by using CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), I found evidence against my belief that people would severely judge me if I asked for help, and I figured out that keeping my home incredibly messy was a way to distance myself from having to come in contact with people. But I still feel exceedingly depressed. I’m sure that some of that has to do with my finances (in shambles), my education (stalled and in shambles), my continuing weight loss efforts (also seemingly in shambles)… but it doesn’t explain everything.

Here’s where I’m having a hard time with this depression thing: I look back on my life and when I start to break down everything, bit by bit, I recognize that I’m in such a far better place then ever before! Below is a list of changes I’ve gone through in 5 years time:

1. I used to live in Wisconsin. I moved to a brand new place to start over without knowing another soul in Oregon. I created a brand new life out of nothing. I attend a university that I never thought I could get into. I live in a nice apartment with a washer & dryer, and a view of a quiet park instead of a busy street like many of the apartments in Madison.

2. I used to live in filth (I know exactly what grows on a shower curtain when you don’t clean it for 6 months. I could have cataloged the new species created on my shower curtain by size, weight, color, and off-handed comments about local politics that they would make as I bathed in the morning. I’m totally serious). For the last two months, my home has been the cleanest ever and on a more regular basis. I’m not perfect (no one would want to venture behind my stove or fridge and some of the closets need to stay closed for fear of a deadly yarn avalanche), but I’m making some good habits finally stick. It’s funny because I actually realized that my tendency towards a dirty lifestyle was actually my way of distancing myself from the rest of the world. And where might I learn such an insight, you may ask? From my therapist? Nope. From a glossy magazine all about clutter and organization? Uh-uh. I learned it from VH1’s Can’t Get a Date. Go figure. There was an episode with a really attractive man in dreads who was smart and cute and capable but his apartment could qualify for federal disaster aid. He lived like a filthy hermit. And the show’s counselors advised him that by keeping his apartment that messy, he was foiling his chances at successful and intimate connections with other people. He didn’t want to bring anyone home to that mess! He kept people at bay through his mounds of dirty laundry, several weeks’ old coffee grinds and sticky dishes piled several inches high. I had that unmistakable a-ha moment right then and there. Suddenly, I’m finding motivation for keeping my spaces more tidy more often. And I’ve felt better about having people come into my personal and private spaces.

3. 5 years ago, my dating repertoire consisted of a heartsick crush in high school, a short-lived liaison with a woman who was committed to a psych ward just weeks after we started dating, a long term relationship a young man that loved me very much but who I treated like dirt, and a second long term relationship with man who had just as many problems as I did and who I fought with constantly. In the last four years, I have had another long term relationship with a wonderful man who is and will always be my best friend, a too short, incredibly passionate, and lovesick infatuation with another man who has also become my best friend, and a brand new relationship with a man so good looking and self-assured that I have no choice but to question the self hatred I possess for my body, mind and soul because the evidence suggests that he wouldn’t waste his time with me if there wasn’t something good and beautiful to be around (groan- I really want to erase that sentence for fear that I’m not being modest enough. I’ll leave it in with the hopes that I am proud to admit it some day soon). It’s been an interesting four years on the dating scene. I thought for sure that I would have been married by now. Perhaps even have a child to tend to. Maybe that’s part of the depression but I’m wise enough to recognize that it’s far better not to have stresses like that in my life as I deal with clinical depression.

4. 5 years ago I weighed somewhere between 250-275 pounds. I’ve lost 70 pounds in two years. Today I’m not going to focus on the numbers. I’m going focus on the way that I’ve changed as the numbers changed. I finally am able to look in the mirror everyday (oh dear, do I admit that I’ve come obsessed with mirrors? It’s not in the way you may think, either. I like to look in a mirror and smile. Groan. There’s something else I don’t like admitting about myself. I. Like. My. Smile. Boy that sure is hard to type. And I don’t know why. Why is it so difficult to admit something good? I like my smile. Oh fuck that… I really like my smile. I think I have the ability to win someone over with my smile when I really need to. I think it’s adorable and every chance I get, I smile back at the girl in the mirror because I know she’s me….. I need to go put my head between my knees now and breathe deeply until this fearful drop in my stomach goes away). I now try as much as possible to dress a certain way (I got my red dress finally and it is the color of every angry, passionate, bloody, sensuous, erotic emotion I feel when I slip it on). Gone is the oversized coat I wore through much of high school. Mostly gone are the black workout clothes I wore when I thought nothing else looked nearly as slimming. Gone are the oversized jeans with the flared legs that I always assumed looked good on me. Today I own a half a dozen skirts, 2 dresses and one halter top (and yes, I think they all are adorable on me). For the first time ever, I own heels. I’m working on infusing color into my wardrobe, including the fat girl’s dreaded color enemy- white! I refuse to buy baggy clothes (I’m not gonna hide behind yards of fabric anymore!). I shop in the maternity section for size large shirts because the designers give just enough in the stomach but they don’t over do it and the sleeves remain at a normal proportion. The maternity sections of many stores tend not to treat woman as if they’ve suddenly become unsexy just because they have a belly and widening hips. I find some very flattering things from time to time. Whether it’s $5 or $50, I don’t buy anything anymore unless it completely flatters my emerging hourglass shape.

5. Before I left Wisconsin, I had very few hobbies that stimulated me unless you count TV watching and sleeping (and I do not). Out here, I’ve tried geocaching, blogging, book making, violin lessons, hiking, jogging, knitting, and photography. I’ve had a busy couple of years! I hope to add dancing lessons, sewing, volunteering and canoeing in the next year or so.

6. I used to be a very angry person. I learned early in life how to relate to other people through a passionate manner. I am stubborn and I have a hard time saying sorry. I will admit I’ve gotten in physical fights with a few close friends and family. When I moved to Oregon and met a man with a very gentle soul, I had to learn how to forgive and forget sooner than I was used to because… it seemed like the right thing to do. There was no longer a reason to stay so damn mad at him. And it feels good to let go of so much anger. I’m lucky to be changing this habit now versus 20 years down the line.

So things should be looking up for me. I should be excited about my present situation. I’ve come a long way in a few years. I should be a helluva lot happier, right? I’m not and that’s the thought that keeps nagging me. I’ve been searching for reasons for months.

Am I afraid of success?

Am I just plain lazy?

Am I holding myself back so I don’t have to experience any failure or hurt down the line?

Am I afraid of change?

Do I have ADD or Bi-Polar disorder?

John Lennon is quoted as saying “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” When I look over my accomplishments of the last five years, I can’t help but notice that I’ve done a great many things to better my situation even as I continue making ever changing plans because I feel like I’m at a standstill. I feel like I'm at one of the places in between. I'm far from the destructive person I used to be, but I'm far from the confident married woman with an architect's license, a child to protect and teach and nurture, and a safe, permanent home that I and my family call our own. I'm stuck somewhere in between and it's driving me nuts. I'm sick of the paint-by-number's future that sits before me incomplete! I want fill in the blank spaces with permanent inks so I know that I'll be okay in some way.

My wish for the immediate future is that I am able to improve on the things that keep me from living my life gracefully. I'd like to get through these uncertain times with less stress and fewer complications. There is a way to do it- I'm sure of it. I'm just unsure as to where to begin. If I could fly through the air with the greatest of ease and do it without missing a beat, I think I could stop worrying so much about letting go of the last trapeze and just focus on grabbing the one hurdling towards me.

Oregon Country Fair 2006

Welcome to the 2006 Oregon County Fair. Please keep both hands inside the moving tram at all times. Do not jump, slide, squiggle or otherwise attempt to release your earth tethered body from the tram. Do not laugh at the hippies, goths, yuppies, guppies or any such group visible during the ride. Do not taunt the happy fun ball. Hold your nose when the overhead b.o. red light flips on. You may be tempted to drum along with the fantastic tribal beats heard along the route but please refrain from drumming on the head of the person sitting directly in front of you. Remember, you are the person in front of the person seated behind yourself! Be kind to the animals. If you are hungry as a result from the billowing clouds of special smoke drifting around the park, there will be time to stop for vegan delights at the end of the ride. No littering- and this applies to the very clothes you are wearing. If the spirit moves you, please wait until the tram has come to a complete stop before quickly exiting the ride and puking or pooping your brains out.

Thanks for coming to the fair and enjoy your stay!

(Photos will follow all week long. One a day so no one overdoses on hippie goodness!)

Untitled

© 2006 Punkin Dunkin Productions

This past Saturday was a really bad day. I took two naps because I was so depressed. I didn't want to do anything except sit in bed and cry. I was lonely, angry, and suicidal. I lay in bed around 4 pm and watched the blinds sway in the window with the gentle summer wind. It was a sunny day and I should have been overjoyed for a lot of things: my family, my friends, my health, time to relax, my boyfriend, my cats, my roof over my head... but I couldn't seem to focus on any of those things.

So I looked at the blinds rocking back and forth and from no where, my internal voice said:

"If you are there, you need to help me. I feel like I'm at a new low today. If you really exist, you will help me. I need it. I need a sign. I need you to do something to show me that you are real and you are listening."

Yes, I was talking to someone whose existence I've been denying for a long time. I'm not saying I've suddenly had a change of heart or anything. I was just very desperate.

Needless to say, no sign appeared right then and there. I was disappointed to say the least. So I got up out of bed and tried to get through the rest of the day.

But some things have happened in the last few days:

1. I spent some time with my boyfriend, some quality time that we were really lacking, and while we were watching the fireworks last night I came to the realization that he is the man I am going to marry. He's it. He's what I've been looking for. He's not perfect, he's not the knight on the horse. In his own words, he's "just a man, that's all." But he's mine. And while our differences seem great at times (he's freakishly tidy, I have a tendency to be freakishly messy; his political views keep me foaming at the mouth; we're from slightly different worlds; he's overly confident, I'm overly paranoid and full of residual self hatred) I think there is a whole lot of love and passion between us & that's what's important.

2. My financial issues are starting to not look so bleak. The financial aid is set to kick in here shortly and it should be a nice chunk of change to put towards bills and savings. My mother is generously helping me to turn things around and I am so grateful to her for her help through all of this.

3. I put in a request for more hours at work and not only did I get that but I also received an opportunity to reenter the insurance program as well. Originally, I was just asking for more hours but now things are so good that I can get insurance once again starting this week, if I'd like.

4. School is going well. I earned a 98 on my first exam- a very acceptable math score (even if it's only easy math).

5. I am seeing a therapist every week who is starting to direct me towards better habits and relaxation techniques.

6. I have just over 3 car payments remaining on my loan.

7. My boyfriend has repeated his offer to have me move in with him in November when my lease is up. I'm not 100% I'll do it- I don't want to just do it for financial reasons. I'd prefer to be engaged so that I know it's a permanent thing. But he's willing to help me move, no matter where I decide to go, and he's willing to let me store stuff at his house.

8. I'm thinking a little more clearly these last couple of days than I have in a while.

So now I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about my afternoon in bed and what I'm supposed to make of it. Are things turning around because I asked for help or are they turning around because my string of bad luck is over and it’s statistically improbable for my life to continue to suck? Does this mean I’m supposed to now believe? If I don’t, do I incur some sort of angry retribution? Am I being greedy by asking for an unmistakable sign, proof of some kind that I should believe? What happens if I never get that or I don’t interpret something “correctly”?

It struck me yesterday as I was driving home that if I could have just one wish in regards to religion, it would be that I could throw out all of the cultural and historical influences surrounding the notion of a savior and a creator and I could just find spirituality in a pure form- no rules, no right or wrong, no hell or damnation, no one telling me what to believe, no white beard and sandals interpretations- no religion to screw it up for me. And I wonder if that is truly possible? Can I ignore the voices of everyone around me and everyone who has come before me and can I create meaning, comfort, love and spirituality out of something unknown and undefined? Is that even possible?

The Universe, She Mocks My Pain!

So I'm lonely, cranky, depressed, and at my wits end. Apparently I'm in the mindset that resembles Hitler's. Grrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaatttttttt...

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Gotta laugh or will go crazy. Gotta laugh or will go crazy. Gotta laugh or will go crazy.

Failure To Entertain Is More Like It

If you were thinking of seeing this movie- perhaps on the fence about it- let me help you make that choice. It sucked. It just sucked. It was basically How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days with just a few changes to the plot. And it didn't have Kate Hudson in it. She had far more chemistry with Matthew McConaughey then Sarah Jessica Parker does (and I like SJP, especially from Sex and The City). In this movie, her tan was too dark and her face too made up with makeup. She was just annoying. I did enjoy the side characters played by kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw and Zooey Deschanel (who was the only truly funny character). I only wish that more of the movie had been shot involving them and their trials. As a very annoying subplot, there are some stupid scenes revolving evil animals that bite and pick at Matthew's character. They are out of place in this movie and they undermine any sort of credibility this movie could have ever have hoped to attain.

I was looking for a movie to help escape from my depression for a short time. Instead I ended up even more depressed. Comedies are not supposed to do that, people!

Do yourself a favor: skip it and go play in the backyard. You'll be glad you didn't waste 97 minutes of your life.