time to admit it

I ain't gonna lie. I am hungry this morning. My body is bouncing back from the last couple weeks with the breakup & midterms and she wants food NOW. I had a huge stomach ache on my way to work this morning since there was nothing in it. I've noticed in the last 24 hours that I'm craving more sweets (all of a sudden my pantry is filled with milano cookies, pecan lover’s poppycock, and rice pudding. I was even tempted by the huge trays of cupcakes at the grocery store). I'm glad it's Halloween. It gives me an excuse to eat a more substantial meal and a sinful dessert under the guise that it's now officially the holiday season. If I can stay under 200 through the New Year, I'll consider that a success. But I have a couple extra reasons to celebrate this season. The number one reason: my mood is at its best all year and I'm going to end this year on a high note. I'm so grateful for that, you have no idea. This year was very tough, very long, and exceedingly taxing. I'm almost afraid to do my yearly review of it all and I'm embarrassed to go home and face the family. I didn't accomplish much of anything this year (well, it feels like that... but maybe it's because the things I did accomplish are not necessarily easy tangible things that fit the standard boxes of success). When someone asks "so what were you up to all year long", and I have the option of launching into my debilitating depression, my failures in school, my begging to get back in, and a summer romance that went horribly wrong... well that's not exactly the kind of thing you want to hear about around the eggnog and underneath the mistletoe. Guess it'll be a grin and bear it kind of year. That's okay. I sense shiny goodness just beyond the horizon and through next year. It's coming quickly now. I'm so ready for it and I so deserve it.

I wanna record this so when I start to forget the beginning, I can always come back here

Written on 10/30 just before our official first date on Halloween:

You do the eyebrow thing too! And you squint your other eye as you do it. I bet you have no idea how sexy that is.

I love your laugh. And your smile. And your lips.

Fraggle Rock? Of all things possible, we had that in common?!!?

You have no idea how wonderful I am gonna treat you.

The more I get to know you, the more I feel like I'm bumping into the familiar of the unknown. I don’t know how to explain that other than to say I’m getting you on so many levels and yet I can’t wait to reach each new one and find out what waits for me there.

I knew you had the funny gene but I didn’t realize how incredibly intelligent you are. And passionate. Especially about politics.

I hope you’ll be that passionate about me.

I feel like I can be myself around you all the time. I think you’re going to like me no matter what and vice versa.

I can be happy on my own, but you are increasing it tenfold.

I can’t believe I waited this long. I can’t believe we’ve worked at the same place for over 2 years and I never noticed you until this summer.

I have a feeling that we are going to create a whole bunch of private jokes between us. I can’t wait to make you laugh with one word or a look. I hope you shoot soda out of your nose at least once.

I can’t wait to be curled up next to you on the couch in the middle of winter. That’s the lovely official PG version for the blog. But seriously, I can’t wait to just be near you and not have to do a thing.

I hope you like to touch and be touched. I might not be able to keep my hands off of you.

I was so happy to hear that you’re a Pisces. Even though I pretend that stuff really doesn’t matter all that much.

I don’t know what’s going to happen but my intuition says this is 100% right. So I totally trust the wide open unknown future for the first time in my life.

I think you’re exactly what I need.

You had me at historic preservation.

Random Monday

1. My weight is at 196 today or 79 pounds total. My goal was to be at 80 by the time I went home for Christmas.(As of Tuesday 10/31, it is 195.2, which we will just consider to be 195 and 80 pounds total) I don’t think all of that loss is completely true because last week was the midterm week from hell. In order to keep up with work and school I had to forgo a substantial amount of sleep and a high amount of food. I literally did not have time to eat. I had to sneak in food with the short 10 or 15 minutes I got running between classes or to and from work. I decided that from now on I will take a multivitamin no matter what is going on just so my body is getting some of what it might miss. My body is now screaming for all sorts of foods. I had a cupcake this morning at breakfast with icing that was an inch thick. I figured I could give myself a break or two. I don’t feel like 196 because I don’t think I look like it. It doesn’t register with me that I fit into a certain percentage of XL’s out there. I was looking at the Sunday ads and it took me quite a while to realize that I needed to look at the “regular” clothes instead of the plus sized ones listed. It just hasn’t sunk in.

2. The downstairs neighbors are cruising for a bruising. Apparently they’ve never experienced apartment living before. At midnight on Saturday, I had to listen to a most obnoxious bass vibrating up through the floor joists, my bed, and right to my pillow. By 1 am, the bass was still going strong. I stomped on the floor once or twice and all I got in return was banging on the ceiling. Granted they did turn down the stereo but not enough for me to get any sleep. So I stomped around the floor for several minutes to no avail. I then decided if I can’t sleep, then I can get some chores done. Those included using the washer, dryer, dishwasher, and every electronical device in the apartment that makes noise. By 2, everything was quiet again. Did they learn anything? Hell no. Sunday morning brought more of the same. But instead of getting mad, I decided to get even (which is a place I don’t really want to go because it’s far worse than just getting upset). I waited until 7am and then I got up and dragged my alarm clock into the bedroom and stuck it along the window ledge (because of poor construction, noise travels really well up and down the windows into both apartments’ bedrooms). I cranked up the classic rock station, closed my bedroom door and went back out to the living room for a peaceful nap. If I can’t sleep, no one else will be able to either. If it continues, I will be forced to find more obnoxious music to use at 5am when I get up in the morning. Suggestions are welcomed!

3. I’m euphoric this morning and if you don’t know why then you need to email me and I’ll tell you. If you do know why or think you do… yeah, it was really great. I’m happy and content and excited. It’s a really good thing that has happened to me. I've chosen to keep the latest turn of events off line so as not to jinx anything cause I'm sensing something really good coming out of this and I don't want to screw it up.

4. I rushed out of my apartment this morning, running slightly late as usual, and I was greeted by a nice layer of ice on my windshield. So I didn’t have my scraper handy but I did have my wallet. Who knew there was such a practical use for those damn grocery club cards?

I'm Supposed to be Happy About This

I can no longer fit into the clothes at Lane Bryant. **SOB** I saw these beautiful shirts online and I rushed to the store (even though I would have to pay full retail. But they seemed worth it). I picked out 5 different tops at their lowest size- a 14/16 and NONE of them fit. They were way too big in the stomach. Instead of being overjoyed, I was pissed. Instead of rushing off to another store, I stalked out of LB and went home. I am afraid to go shopping at other places. I still feel huge and I still feel like I don't belong in any skinny people stores and sections. Two weeks ago, I bought a mock turtle neck from Kohl’s to go under a sleeveless wool dress. I had to buy a large as the lowest woman's size, 1x, looked like a tent on me. I had to walk into the skinny section. And I had to suck it up and try my clothes on in the skinny fitting room because the one I was used to was all the way on the other side of the store. The turtle neck fit just fine. But I blamed the fit on the fact that it's a loose fabric with a lot of leeway. I never realized that there was such a wide range of sizes even if the tag says L or S or whatever. One day I find larges that fit perfectly and then the next day brings these teeny tiny strips of cloth that wouldn't cover one thigh. It's extremely frustrating. At least larger sizes are more uniform.

While in Lane Bryant, a store clerk looked up at me as I was browsing and she said "Wow! You have gorgeous hair! You look like you just stepped off of a soap opera." Those clerks are soooo good at flattery. I thanked her and then said "Now we have to get the boys to notice." "Oh I'm pretty sure they do." She said. My response: "Then they better start saying something soon!"

On a slightly related note, I was whining to my therapist this week that I still feel alienated from people. I'm trying very hard to project a confident and bubbly personality, yet when I go to school and I pick a seat in a large room, the seats around me are always the last to fill up. I walk across campus and I see heads turning but no one strikes up a conversation with me. I eat alone in the cafeteria whenever I have to buy my lunch from there. Men stare (and I think some of them might get whiplash… although I’m usually too chicken to give that second glance back to make sure) but they don't necessarily smile. Women smile, although many of them scrutinize my fashion and hair choices rather ruthlessly with their squinty-eyed stares. I thought losing weight would make me less of a freak. Sometimes I feel like one even more. I don't look like the other women (or should I say girls with the tiny bodies they maintain?) on campus. My emerging hourglass shape is a rarity around here. I don't dress like a college student (I like my business casual clothes and my pumps). I'm older than much of the general population but I'm not sure if people can tell that just from my face alone. I don’t have time for clubs or activities on campus so I don’t really have an “in” anywhere. I’m worried that I will be subjected to this ‘otherness’ feeling the rest of my life.

It seems to me that there are different kinds of ‘otherness’ out there. There is the kind that is socially crippling (usually if you have little social skills and little room for learning them). There is the kind that makes you cool (the slightly off balance wardrobe that is somehow hip in its alternativeness… or perhaps the frenzied artistic reputation one might earn within the design arts departments). And then there is my kind- which I’m not exactly sure is anymore. The ‘otherness’ used to related to the fact that I was twice the size as other people and I kept to the fringes of social spaces and I worked hard at being NOT noticed. I don’t do any of those things now and yet, I still get that feeling all the time. Why are people avoiding me now? I think I look good on most days. I think I project confidence even if inside I’m faking it. I think I have a bubbly and flirtatious personality that puts many people (at least while at my job) at ease. So why do I feel like I’ve still got some sort of scarlet letter on my back? Am I imagining things? I don’t know. This otherness feeling can get very oppressive and stifling on days that I just want to BELONG and feel a part of society rather than apart from it.

Random Monday

1. I weigh 198.5. Yay for me! When I was 275 pounds, my BMI was 43.1. Today my BMI is 31.0 and I am 7 and ½ pounds away from being considered just overweight and no longer obese. I have been obese for as long as I can remember so this is a major thing for me. It’s phenomenal. I am proud of myself for changing my habits and overhauling my life. And shit, if I can do it, anyone can do it.

2. ALL of my assignments this term have been handed in on time. That too is a phenomenal task considering my mental state this past year. I feel so much better and I am beginning to feel the concentration returning. It’s not back 100% yet, but there is a big improvement.

3. I bought a cookie at lunch time. I’ve eaten less than half and I don’t really feel like having anymore. And this is my favorite cookie in the whole world- a chocolate chip oatmeal Monster cookie made by some Eugene company that sells it to the University for their food carts and sales.

4. I have a plan to get a certain guy to ask me out. And so far it’s working fabulously. I may be in big trouble if this information ever gets back to him, but hell, I think it’s funny. I emailed him on Saturday and we talked through our entire shift. I did the same thing today and so far he has responded very well to my chatty emails (and yes, I am working… it’s just not a completely crazy day around here). I have made a vow not to make any of the first moves on this one. I want to know that this person is interested in me. And if he is, he needs to find the courage to ask me out. I already know that I can do it (after much deliberation and stomach aches and bothering of all my friends for advice). I want to know that others can do it to. I want to be wanted, darn it.

5. My back hurts. It’s probably because I have slept on the couch non-stop for at least a month. I could use my soft and comfy bed but not only is it covered with clothes and packing items for the upcoming move, it’s also poorly insulated in the room and my alarm seems to travel really well down the side of the windows into the downstairs neighbor’s bedroom. I still need a bunch of alarms to wake up at least half of the time so I guess I can just tough it out for 6 more weeks.

6. And if this is true, it is so cool. I share Ani DiFranco's first and middle birth names with her. Awesome.

Things I learned:

1.I’m not blameless but it wasn’t my entire fault.

2.I will never be completely free of the anger. I just need to learn how to manage and channel it so I don’t hurt people. Even if they hurt me.

3.Just because someone says they love you, it doesn’t mean they really do. Actions speak louder than words.

4.I’m gonna be just fine. I am happier now than I have been at anytime this year.

5.Don’t jump into a new relationship with a broken heart.

6.Don’t jump into a new relationship with clinical depression.

7.Stand up and learn to speak for myself from the beginning, not just when the newness of the relationship starts to wear off.

8.Listen to the alarm bells. Even if I don’t leave, be cautious and don’t fall for someone just because they are charming.

9.Just because I’m at my skinniest adult weight ever, doesn’t mean I won’t continue to have problems- including relationship ones.

10.Say ‘I love you’ even if I am mad at the person. They don’t deserve me withholding that word regardless of what’s going on.

11.In this day and age, people have become more impersonal and distant with the technological advancements of email, cell phones, and text messages. It is a priority to me and it signals someone’s respect for me that they talk to me by phone at the very least but in the person is the best way for me to work through issues. If someone refuses to do so, I should not bow to them. Demanding respect in this manner means that I respect myself.

12.If the person does not encourage, respect and find aspects of my life interesting (music, art, school assignments, opinions), they probably aren’t very good for me in the end.

13.Communication is a two-way street and one person’s willingness doesn’t go very far with the other one’s reluctance or denial to work through issues. One oar in the boat is only going to turn the boat in circles.

14.I can’t get through my day if I’m not “right” with people I’m close to. I need to resolve issues as soon as possible or at least know that I will be given the opportunity to discuss them later on. I am not an avoider and I think that’s a good thing.

15.Thoughtfulness goes a long way. And even though I can be very thoughtful, I also expect that in return. If it’s not happening to the same or similar degree, I will feel used. If it happens constantly, I will know that I am being used.

16.Do not wait around even if the other person expects me to. Live my life normally and do not worry about always being available. If the person loves me enough, they will make time for me and I will make time for them but we won’t be demanding on each other and we won’t ignore each other. We will work to find a balance for each other.

17.I can’t save him even if I think he needs it.

18. Continue to love even if it doesn't work out. I don't have an obligation to be friends with someone that makes me unhappy. I don't have an obligation to like them. But I will always acknowledge my love for them because that's the right thing to do.

Many of these things on this list should be intuitive to me, and for most of my life they have been. I am not a bad person and I am not a victim just because of this negative experience. Things happen for a variety of reasons. I do not have a pattern of denying myself just to be around and/or to make someone else happy. I will not make that mistake again. I am worth much more and that other person better damn well figure it out.

Only Reinforcing Everything I Already Knew

This is a text conversation happening between Michael and I right now (I don't normally share private conversations but I am taking an exception to this one since it contains nothing really personal)

He: Id kill 4 one of ur salads. hell id pay u to make me one of ur best salads.

Me: U never hv 2 pay me $ 4 a salad. I only require some company 2 enjoy it 2gether. i am working til 830 but u can request a salad any nite u wish.

He: Id like one 2 take 2 work with me 2nite. probably 2 late huh.

Me: No, not at all but it wud b 9 b4 i'd hv it ready. but u cant jus take the salad w/out giving me something in return.

He:i dont want 2 take ur salad if its goin 2 b a problem. im willing 2 pay 4 it.

Me:I dont want ur $. its not a problem 4 me but it sounds like it is a problem 4 u 2 give something worthy in return.

He:wat do u want?

Me:what do u think its worth & i dont mean in dollars either.

He: Never mind. i dont have time 4 this.

Me:Ur loss. i bet it makes u mad that u cant get wat u want when u want it w/out hving 2 b thotful in return. its called respect michael and it wud do u some good.


I put this here so that people know that I'm not entirely crazy. This person really is very selfish and I don't say that from a place of anger. I say it from a place of pity and as someone who still loves him and really truly wishes all the best for him. I just don't think he'll find it in this lifetime with his piss poor attitude.

The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow is Never What We Imagine it Will be

Two major things happened this last weekend and while I should be writing these in some personal diary and not sharing them with the entire world, I chose to detail them here because this is where I come when I have something important to record for myself.

On Friday the 13th, (this is somehow ironic in a sad and funny way), Michael broke up with me permanently. I stress permanently because this time there is no turning back. It is truly over and I've come to accept that, and as you will see in a moment, I am happier for it. But even so, I was heartbroken for the first 36 hours. I didn’t understand what happened. One minute he is telling me he wants to hold me, the next he tells me to just be done with him. What did I do to provoke this, you ask? I merely stated my dissatisfaction with the lack of time we were spending together. His weekend is on Thursday and Friday. I asked Wednesday what he was doing those two days. He never mentioned spending time with me, he didn’t ask me to do anything, and he just stated he needed to see what was going on. We hadn’t spent time together since Sunday. I was upset and (I realize later on) rightfully so. Rather than let me express my feelings (which did not include anger), he told me he would speak to me later (always, always delaying anything important that needs to be discussed in the belief that it will simply go away). I had had enough of that kind of treatment. I told him that I was tired of having a boyfriend who didn’t make time for me and didn’t seem to want me around very often. He only wanted me when it was completely convenient for him. He is very used to getting his way and doing everything according to his rules. Looking back I realized we had some very stupid fights over the last 5 months. Like the one about watching football all day when I thought we were going out together somewhere for the day. I don’t dislike football, I was just angry that he assumed and carried out his plan of what was going to happen that day, NO EXCEPTIONS. Our fights always had the underlying theme (that he never seemed to catch on to and correct) of selfishness, usually but admittedly not always on his part. He was used to being alone, having his bed all to himself, his house, his time… everything imaginable. And he was very good at controlling everything around him. It was almost obsessive.

I stayed for 5 months because I was very depressed through most of it. I needed someone in my life badly. I had to have someone to hold me and love me and protect me. He was good at doing those things from time to time. But again, it was only on his terms. I stayed because I thought he was a catch and that I should be grateful that someone like him (actually, it is the initial outwardly appearance he projects to the world) found me attractive enough to ask me out. I stayed because I wanted to make it work, even as it got tougher and tougher. He could not admit his mistakes. He could not make changes to his behavior because he didn’t feel that he was doing anything wrong. He couldn’t respect me because it was not his nature and not possible for him to do. And even though my depression got better, our problems and our constant head butting and back 'n' forth shit with one another was enough to ruin us.

I cried tremendously on Saturday and much of Sunday. I cried because I couldn’t figure out how and why he turned on me so quickly Friday night. I cried because this wasn’t what I thought I wanted. I wailed because he completely shut me out and treated me like less than a stranger or even a human being. He ignored phone calls, texts, everything I could think of doing to get him to talk to me and “take me back” (funny how now I feel the exact opposite about he being the one who should ask me for forgiveness). He treated me like garbage that day and it took several hours before I wised up. Somewhere between the tears and the sad phone calls I made to friends and family, I realized that this in fact, is one of the best things that could happen to me. I was now facing my most frightening nightmare: I am alone and I have to do things all by myself. That was my fear for these last several months. I didn’t want to be alone because I thought I was too weak to do things without any help. The thought of moving somewhere unknown in 6 weeks and spending Thanksgiving with only my cats was incredibly scary to me. The thought of not having a boyfriend in my life was terrifying. In 10 years of dating, I have been single all of 6 months. That would definitely be a major sign of someone who can’t stand to be alone. Now I am facing that fact and today I fear it a whole lot less. Yesterday, while I felt like a zombie or a shell-shocked soldier, somehow I got through my day and completed more tasks than any other day in practically the last year. I finished all of the laundry (minus a half dozen shirts that need ironing). I packed up several things in my room to get ready for the move. I did all of the dishes as my dishwasher stopped working last week. I went and got an oil change that was 1000 miles overdue. I bought numerous items I needed for the household including light bulbs and florescent lights that had burned out months ago. I cleaned out the living room heater (and managed not to shock myself) so I could finally turn the temperature up in the living room. I went to school and picked up a bunch of books on hold for my term paper. I started my design project for architecture class. And I made it to the gym (two days in a row!!).

Which brings me to my next major event. But before I get to it, I want to talk about the gym.

It’s not just the fact that I got to the gym. It wasn’t just any old gym. It is the student recreation center at school; the same rec center that I have been afraid to work out at since I started attending the university. I couldn’t bring myself to go exercise with those skinny Barbie and Ken dolls and worry about all of my jiggling. It’s odd how that works. Those of us who need exercise the most tend to be discouraged from going and getting that exercise because we are afraid of what people will think of us. If I see another large person working out, I think, “hey, great for them. They love themselves enough to do that.” But I worry what the tiny beautiful people are thinking. My pain from the breakup was enough for me to say “fuck it”. I marched into that center and ran a mile on the indoor track. I went back the next day (slightly less intimidated) and biked a half mile in addition to another mile of jogging on the track. I am on a roll here. I’m not sure why it took a traumatic event to get me off my butt. I’m sure it goes back to that whole feeling of I can’t do anything myself and finally having to face that head on. I’m going to win this thing, I can feel it.

The major event (finally, finally I am getting to it) has to do with my weight. I have been afraid to say what I weigh both here and in the real world. I lost a great deal of weight over the last two years or so but I was waiting on a particular number before I finally admitted my weight again publicly. I reached that number on Saturday. I have always called it my magic happy weight number. And if you don’t follow the link, I’ll explain that it was a weight that was going to make me into a whole new person. It was THE NUMBER that was going to make me feel like a normal person again. Reaching that number meant that everything was going to be perfect from now on and I would never have to worry about my weight again. I think that many people who are overweight or obese see losing weight as the key to their happiness. “If only I lose weight… “ “When I am skinny…”

When I was 275 pounds, I used to play that game every single minute of my daily life. It's the "When I am skinny, I am going to do this and that and this and all of those activities and I'm going to wear whatever I want and I'm going to be popular and smart and beautiful" game. We all know it very, very well!


Fill in the blank: When I am skinny, ________________.

Everyone who is overweight has a thousand answers for that blank. I sure do. I wanted to be well liked and looked up to. I wanted to be admired and sought after (snort...my expectations are always high!). I wanted to dress a certain way and wear heels. I wanted to go on lots of trips and do all sorts of things. I wanted to be pretty. I have lived in that mode far too long. I think as long as the weight held me back, I had the ability and the means to hold myself back even more. I am the fat girl and fat girls just don't do things that everyone else does. Sigh... when I lose that weight though, I am going to be unstoppable!


Somewhere between 76 pounds and 2 years, my attitude did a 180. I go do things now and I don't let my weight hold me back. I have gone on many trips, I've discovered new talents within myself and I have been blessed to have three separate men grace my life during these last few years. And even if one of those relationships ended badly, I still have best friends that came out of the other two. That’s pretty good odds.

I was walking around today (okay now, let’s be honest with ourselves. I was not only walking, I was sauntering around with my hips swinging and my head held high) and I noticed that people pay attention to me more than ever. I walk with purpose. I walk like I belong on the set of “Sex and the City”, I act like I’m worth something, and I dress like a sexy woman with curves should. I put pride in my appearance. I suck in my gut and I walk with a straight back. I look everyone in the eye. Oh, and I smile an awful lot. I pretend I’m doing fine, even if I feel self conscious (I still feel residual effects of a childhood full of bullying. I am paranoid and often believe others are watching me. This actually happened in several instances where I was watched and made fun of for a variety of things I did wrong or the wrong clothes that I wore when I was a child. It left me understandably cautious of crowds and close spaces with other people. I figured out though that if I thought everyone was always staring at me, why not look and act like a million bucks then? It certainly makes me feel better at the end of the day). If you notice me doing this and I somehow look snobby or conceited, just remember that I have earned those curves; I have suffered through many years of pain and self loathing to get to this point. I can say that I love myself today and I have every right to enjoy what I love. I have come to a compromise with my body. Naked, I still can’t stand the sight of my body. But since I’ve been able to find the right clothes to compliment my shape, I am able to say I love the way I look in them on a daily basis. I feel like a woman all the time now.

It took some time for me to realize that my body shape was special, and not in a bad way. I just needed to find the clothes and tailored cuts that worked for me. I was so used to oversized shirts hiding everything that I didn’t realize there are clothing lines and designers out there that actually work hard to accentuate the beautiful and curvy female body. Once I figured out the secret, I learned to be picky and to only buy what looked fantastic on me. I don’t settle for anything less. It’s my money and my self-esteem after all. 3 years ago I had one skirt in my closet (from a wedding more than 2 years earlier). I hated dresses because my hips and butt always looked ten times bigger under all that fabric. I wore stretchy leggings and huge polyester shirts with awful circus-like prints on them as staples in my workday wardrobe. I didn't really care how I looked, every angle was horrible. Today I own a dozen skirts and dresses that I wear quite frequently. In fact, I dress up every chance I get (the only action that the sneakers are seeing is in the gym). I feel good because I hold myself up to a higher standard against the old me. I find that I’m beautiful because of it.

Saturday, October 14th, I stepped on the scale and saw 199.8 for the first time in my adult life. This was the number I had been waiting 11 years for. Because of the drama of that day, the success of reaching such a major goal was bittersweet. But it wasn’t just because of the breakup and my pain. It was also related to my new attitude and changes that had already taken place. I thought I was going to look a whole lot different at 199. I always pictured a much skinnier girl. I also thought that everything was going to fall into place around 199. But all I have today versus 76 pounds ago is a different set of problems, not fewer of them. I am engaged in the world more than ever before. I take more risks than before and yes, I get hurt by some of the outcomes. The changes that have occurred did so just before 199 and they ended up rendering that number almost powerless. It is just a number after all. 199 versus 200 doesn't make much of a difference to anyone but math nerds and dieters. But its like a tipping of the scale (pun not necessarily intended) in a way. It does symbolize a major change that I chose more than 2 years ago and that I've been waiting a lifetime for. It just didn't come in the form that I expected.

Sometimes the pot of gold at the end of our journey is not what we thought it would be. Sometimes the gold is missing and sometimes what’s in it's place is far more valuable than the gold itself. I think the lesson here is that I need to be prepared for a variety of outcomes when I choose a certain destination or path to follow. I need to accept that change is always inevitable and it's not necessarily a bad thing. I, and many more people, need to recognize the gold we already have today, not the dreams we are counting on tomorrow. I can stop chasing the elusive ends to rainbows for a little while and enjoy where I am. There is gold all around me.


Oh and I don't think Michael is a jerk either. I do tend to think that he doesn't have all the necessary tools to be able to communicate with his partners. I think he's been so used to doing things on his own, and always being the strong one, that he doesn't know how to let anyone else help him. He doesn't know how to learn from others. He is selfish and after this weekend I've found out that he's quite a coward too. I'm not angry at him. I only wish he could find the strength to let go of some of his control (it's a stranglehold really) in his life so that he can find that one person to grow old with.

The Alien Invasion of Eugene or U-G-L-Y, You Ain't Got no Alibi! (Psst, these photos were illegally obtained!!)

I may be just a lowly architecture student who has many more years of training ahead of her, but I think I have some right to speak my mind about the new federal courthouse in Eugene. Yes, I think it is ugly. To me it looks like a creature from outer space has dropped down out of the sky and plunked itself in the middle of our city. Let me try and back up my conclusions with the observations I made last weekend when I photographed the thing.


The building is essentially an aluminum box with reflective mirrors that are quite blinding on a sunny day. The architect has tried to break up the box with various curves near the roof. I find the form overwhelming and disorientating. In my opinion, this building has only one good view- the one above. What happened to building on all four sides? When he made the model, was the architect always presenting it from one view point? Did he not notice the unbalanced look? This thing turns it’s back on the river, the same river that our city has been trying to connect back to for decades through various urban renewal proposals. This building acts as if it is the most important thing in the city and nothing else matters. Yeah, that’s architecture I want to build (I hope you can hear the sarcasm).


On the west side of the building, a huge concrete berm (see security design) holds a collection of trees and shrubbery. These trees will get quite tall in time and effectively hide this side of the building. Why would an architect take all that time to generate something only to hide it in the end?

The courthouse looms over the Eweb property, and various light industrial buildings. It makes no attempt to mirror the values, attitude, history or architecture of Eugene. It also borders the edge of Franklin (a major boulevard where pedestrian crossing is truly impossible), and is cut off from the rest of the downtown area by anything other than a motorized vehicle (but even then, it gets a little tricky).


While photographing the courthouse, I was approached by a security guard (mind you this was on a Sunday and the building was not officially open at that point) who told me I’d just broken some federal laws. Apparently it is illegal to take pictures of a federal building while standing on the property. He said I could take them across the street (or I suppose in the middle median if I felt like risking my life and shuffle through the traffic like a game of frogger) but I could not be anywhere on the actual block that the building is. So I packed up and left. He followed me around the perimeter of the building to my car and then said “Well you don’t have to leave, you know..” Um, yeah I was just ordered off the property? What is my reason for staying again? Am I supposed to get all defiant in his face or what?



In light of 9/11, new public construction is showing a propensity towards more concrete, more barriers, and more security measures all around. I’m totally for that, but could we just try and blend it in a little more than this??


The next week I was attending my architecture class and listening to my very talented professor talk about the importance of the context in which a building is placed. He stressed that a building should reflect the history and values of its users. It should blend into its surrounds while retaining a gentle uniqueness to its form. He specifically mentioned the courthouse during this lecture and he too used words like alien, foreign, out of place, etc... He knows the architect personally and he asked him why the building was not placed in relation to the context (community) that it was placed. The architect answered that it was not the job of the building to do this- it was the job of the city and the people. Essentially he is claiming that we must conform to his extraterrestrial design and not the other way around. If that’s not a pompous answer, I don’t know what is.

I say this is War of the Worlds and we need defend our community from architects who reside on their own puny self-centered planets.

Random Monday

1. I figured out that I have pnigophobia. That's the fear of choking for those of you not up on your phobia studies. I eat super slow and if you think it's annoying to watch me do it, try being me. It takes me an hour to eat a Costco polish sausage hotdog. I can't go to buffets because I can barely finish one plate to everyone's three. People label me a nibbler but the truth is, I can't take big bites cause it feels like my throat wants to close up on me. Some days are better than others, some foods easier to swallow than others. I was choking on water this weekend and that sucked. And no, I’m not going to a doctor. I've had enough doctors for now. I get along fine and I'm not starving to death, as most of you know full well.

2. I saw a white mazda miata today with the license plate: I EVICT. Um, okay..... So I can understand someone being highly involved in their job, taking satisfaction and pride in what they do (after all, if we all did that, we'd be so much happier as a society) but when it's something like evicting people out of their homes who can't or don't pay, I'm not sure how that could possibly be a fulfilling career. I've never worked for a company that does evictions (repos yes), I've never seen anyone be evicted (other than in Michael Moore's film Roger & Me) and I have never been evicted myself. But from what I gather, it is highly stressful and depressing to have to make someone homeless whether they deserve it or not. I don't know the Miata owner's deal, but if he truly is happy in that line of work, there must be a special place in hell for him. It's one thing to have to do something that you don't want even though you know it's wrong but you are forced to in order to feed, cloth, and house your own family. It's another thing to gloat to the world about it on your license plate.

3. It is so weird wearing flip-flops in October especially with leaves on the ground. It's even weirder to see roses still in bloom. The forecast is sunny and 70-75 degrees all week long.

4. I like these guys a whole bunch. If I had more time on my hands, I think I'd attend some of their events.

5. Since milk and cheese are supposed to settle an upset tummy, would a milkshake do the same thing? My stomach hurts today for no good reason. It might be the donut I had around 11 after I thought I was still hungry from breakfast. After a bowl of cereal, a high protein bar, and a yogurt I still felt funny. I am unofficially allergic to donuts and I knew it was a bad choice but it was a split 2 second decision that I made in order to get to class on time. Now I'm paying for it with my tummy all day. I bought a beautiful lunch of dahl, rice, chutney and cilantro at the vegetarian/vegan Holy Cow Cafe (cafeteria food has come a long way) but I feel too icky to eat it.

6. Blogger is being a jerky-turkey today and so the photos I want to put up will have to wait a little while longer.

7. I'm writing a paper about the American urban ghetto experience as expressed in the movie Candyman. Yeah, you read that right. I bet right about now my parents are glad they are unable to pay for my education. With papers like that, who needs a degree? I would end up asking if my customers wanted fries with their orders either way. Why pay thousands of dollars to have that privilege? Ha. No, seriously, my urban geography assignment is to review a movie and dissect the urban themes. Mind you this is a 400 level class (which is the highest you can go before grad school) so it's not like I'm getting off easy. The paper has to be damn good by upper division standards.

I decided I wanted to learn more about environmental psychology and how it relates to urban ghettos commonly referred to as "the projects". There is a great deal written about the 'death of modernism' when these huge honking buildings were demolished after their complete and utter failure to provide safe, respectable housing for the poor. Many people blame the buildings solely and as I'm learning, that isn't a fair assessment. The buildings need to be evaluated in conjunction with the large context in which they were placed. True, some of the blame lies in the fact that inexperienced architects incorrectly assumed that these designs copied from upper and middle class buildings in Europe could somehow be adapted with little modification for the working poor in this country. But there were other factors at work such as the federal government putting the squeeze on the local housing authorities funding (in most cases, the absolute cheapest materials possible were installed), displaced poor families evicted from their neighborhoods (under eminent domain statues), forcing them to find temporary housing before being asked back to these new alien neighborhoods and high-rise buildings, and welfare recipients gaining entry after new federal guidelines dictated a lowering of the income guidelines. There were many factors at large that made some of the inner city urban renewal efforts of the mid twentieth century total disasters. I’ve decided to highlight these by reviewing both Candyman and Dark Water (which is a remake of a Japanese film. That seems to be a trend with Hollywood horror movies lately).

The most interesting thing I’ve discovered is that the two urban settings from which these movies centered their storylines around couldn’t be more different in real life based on their success. Candyman is filmed in the infamous Cabrini-Green projects of Chicago while Dark Water’s setting is Roosevelt Island in New York City. Cabrini-Green was one of those failed urban renewal projects that suffered at the hands of city officials too ill-equipped and under funded to keep tabs on the projects. The result is a murderous reputation that lasted 50 years. Recent efforts have been made to clear out the rotting buildings and replace them with residential style two and three story row houses and apartments. Roosevelt Island, on the other hand, was never considered a “project” of any kind (despite the nickname it was given in the early 20th century: Welfare Island). I had the rare opportunity to view detailed plans for redevelopment by Philip Johnson and John Burgee thanks to the UofO’s extensive library collection. These architects knew what they were doing. They knew the demographics and the kind of residents they were trying to attract to the island. They understood essential details about open space, restricted vehicle access and communal areas (all present in Cabrini-Green, yet all contributing instead to the horrors of the site). I’d like to follow this a little closer and I’m highly interested in the differences between races. I found a few articles and papers that suggest major differences between African-Americans & Caucasians in how they perceive the physical environment and their temporal senses. It’s fascinating stuff. It has the potential to lead to a greater understanding of our built environment and where we should be headed if we want to improve lives through architecture. Which I guess is what I want to do with my life.

Don't think I'll be taking fast food orders anytime soon… at least I hope not.